Fuckershit.

I wish that you would just call me. I know I’m a lot to handle and things haven’t always been easy & we both have put each other through some really messed up shit. But we both promised to always work through it and that we would love each other forever. you promised you we weren’t going anywhere. We have worked through so much more fucked up shit from both sides: worse than what you and I are dealing with now. I just don’t understand why it was so easy for you to leave me without even saying a fucking word.

I know I was the one that broke up with you, but I was not in the right headspace and you should’ve known that, since my grandma died in front of me just days before. and all you’re worried about was arguing with me.. and you can’t even acknowledge what you’ve done wrong you just wanna point fingers at me for something that you have no evidence of And I I’m telling you that I didn’t do it and you wouldn’t even give me a phone call or try to hear what I had to say. if you truly meant it, when you say you love me, you would’ve called. you would’ve tried to fight for me or at least hear what I had to say, or at least not do the one thing you know I can’t handle which is abandonment.

That’s what you did, you left. No words nothing. I was in the middle of being the only one trying to communicate and then I was blocked mid sentence. blocked on everything still. we probably would’ve been back together by now if you would’ve just picked up the phone that night. I don’t understand why it was too easy for you just to shut down and leave me at my lowest.

I have admitted that I’m not perfect and I made mistakes and that I did things unhealthily that night and I apologized for them over and over, but there was no accountability on your side for how you were treating me every day since my Mema passed or how you chose to approach things,  refusal to communicate. I just hate that we were able to move past so so much more intense and more serious situations and we can’t move past something that was so small and has now blown into so much more because you refuse to address it, and talk about it when it happened.

I just wanna let all of it out because I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to you again so I’m gonna hope you see this. but I do know there’s only one thing that’s bound to travel through the grapevine about me in the future and I want you to have this to read with everything I have to say when that day comes around.

I have been losing my mind trying to get through to you and no luck and nothing from you. I should be grieving, but instead, I’m fighting for somebody that doesn’t even wanna fight for me. I wish you would just tell me what the real reason is because I know that you’re just projecting on me with what you were saying I did and I know I didn’t do. I was home with my grieving grandfather all day long just to have this happen on top of everything I’m going through, I just want answers so I can be at peace if I can’t have you back I at least deserve to know what the real reason is for why you gave up so randomly and easily.

No matter what I will always love you you brought a light into my life that I’ve never experienced and will never experienced again I told you if it’s not you it’s no one and I meant that I do not plan on trying to move on. I don’t plan on any of that. I’m done for. Wish you could believe me when I tell you how much you mean to me but you never have, and I don’t know why I’ve done nothing, but pour and pour and pour into you just to be taken and taken and taken from with nothing in return, and you still don’t believe me when I tell you you I love you.. what female would stick by someone that makes them do that, makes them feel that way,  not one that doesn’t love that man unconditionally and eternally.

No matter what you do to me. I will love you and I think that’s why you take advantage of me and that’s fine do it I don’t care just come back before it’s too late and there’s nothing to come back to. I can’t wait forever and I’m slowly becoming an empty shell of what I used to be, and I know what that means for me and where I’m gonna go. This is probably a really toxic relationship but it’s because you’re not trying to make it different you’re not trying to change you’re not listening to what I tell you. It’s become childish you need to grow up because if you love me and you expect me to stick by you, there has to be effort, accountability from both sides not just me I can’t carry us both i can barely carry myself at times. 

I love you. call me before it’s too late for you to reach me.