I know you probably will never see this. I hope one day you will. It’s been a year now. Our breakup was ugly. I realised a lot of things since last February when you held me for the last time. If you are asking how I’m doing, I’m doing alright. I’m still heartbroken, I still cry every night, I still miss you. The thing is I will never forgive you. Or at least not in the next 5 years.

One year passed. I lost weight, I lost friends, I lost will to live, I gained weight again, I gained new friends, I gained will to live again. The thing that is missing is your smile to make my days better. You are still my Krem. You know that this letter is for you. I still have the videos where you tell me how much you love me while waiting for me in my car. That car is gone now.  I couldn’t bring myself to sit in it again. All your stuff from the trunk are still inside it, wherever it is. You unblocked me recently. I’m kind of hoping  you would text me, just so I can tell you to go away. Don’t get me wrong, I love you. I love you the same. I’ve loved you for years. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. 

The first thing I realised was that maybe I was a bit too harsh with you. My mistake is that I payed you back all the pain you caused me. I’m chaos for your  mind, but you are poison to my soul. You are there with him now, living Our dreams with him. How do I tell you that your name is my Every problem? I gave you everything. Even when I didn’t have anything, I still found something to give you. 

The other thing I realised was how much you were gaslighting me. You told me you would never trust anyone again if I found somebody else while we were separated. Yet, you did exactly that. Did you not want me to be happy? Is that what you wanted to accomplish? You killed me on the inside. I don’t believe in love anymore. Many people touched my body. I hate myself even more, because I wasn’t enough. You told me that I was someone who couldn’t be forgotten easily, yet you replaced me for 2 months. I’m still here, one year later, hurting, bleeding on the inside. You watched me crying and you laughed at me. You left me when I was at my lowest. When I needed you the most. I’m still crying at night when I think of you. 

I also realised that despite the bad things we’ve done to each other, I can’t bring myself to be involved with anybody else. You make it seem so easy. All the years of friendship and our beautiful time together. You threw them away for somebody else. Someone who will never share the same joy with you like we used to. I get  anxiety attacks at work out of the blue.

One  of the flashbacks is how you left me  to suffer alone when both of my grandmothers passed. You knew perfectly well how I  can’t deal with death. You stopped talking to me, because I didn’t say anything nice to you for 3 days. How selfish of you. Recently you told me that I hate you. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Крала си ми мир… and yet, I still want you to hold me. А знаеш ли колко боли, когато виждам снимките ти? Do you know that texting your mom random songs helps me forget you? She told me I looked happy. You and I both know that I always look happy. You would never be around me when it gets dark. And it hurts so much trying to process all that. 

The last thing I realised was that you never truly cared. You knew exactly what you were doing and yet you chose to ruin me. You found me when I was  building my self esteem and at first you helped it, but then you decided that maybe you should just ruin it completely. We screamed at each other, we insulted each other, we broke each other and our  trust to one another. You lied  to me. If you lied to me about wanting to spend your life with me, that also means you lied about loving me, about wanting a family with me and who knows what more..

I doubt everything  you told me. I doubt every word now. I doubt myself and I keep my fake smile  all day just so I can cry myself to sleep. I hope you’re happy, because this is me now. It doesn’t matter how strong I used to be. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being betrayed, taken for granted, lied to, used and brought down just so somebody else can be happy. I’m conflicted on the inside. I need you more than anything right now, yet I don’t wanna see you ever again. Even writing this doesn’t help. You were right that I was gonna end up alone and sad.

Do you know why that is? Because you blamed me for your betrayal. Apparently it’s my fault that you brought a third person between us. Thank you! Thank you for ruining me, for breaking  my trust, thank you for completely destroying my belief in Love. I hope you  sleep well at night, dreaming  of what we could’ve been. My heart still beats for you, unfortunately. It’s cold. I spent  a lot of money on myself, buying myself the things you used to get me. Y’know… the kinder chocolates, the lighters and the flowers. That way I feel close to you. I’m never gonna beg for love and you know this. I told you that I was going  to let you go not because I wanted to, but because I saw that I was not enough for you. 

I’m so angry with you…And the only person who can change that is you. I imagine how you come out of nowhere to my work to look for me. What a delusion, right? Anyway…  
Ти си моето любимо лека нощ, любима. Единствената с това име под това небе. Още те обичам и винаги ще е така. Нищо, че не заслужаваш любовта ми. Сърцето ми винаги  ще бъде пълно с теб. 
Лека нощ, Крем.