Dear Z,
I didn’t want to be like your exes. I thought if we ever broke up i would flirt with you again and try to get back together. That’s why i couldn’t accept the break up, that it was real. We broke up once and didn’t give up and I thought we could fix it again this time, but you didn’t want to, you didn’t want to commit to the relationship anymore.

I wonder if you ever cheated or entertained anyone. You stopped showing me any of your messages and you were still friends with jm when you said you were going to block them too. You would get upset when you thought i was entertaining others but were you entertaining others secretly?

I just don’t understand how you could lie to me. If someone tried to interfere with our relationship i would get annoyed with them first and block them, i don’t understand you. I know you didn’t like it when i got annoyed with that guy who asked if i was dating a girl from the ph that one time, but idk my emotions got the best of me. I wanted to know his problems with me dating you and tell him to fuck off.

You confuse me so much. I don’t understand you but i really don’t want to be strangers because i don’t want to never meet you someday, even if you are with someone else. I want to be there for you still and give you money if you ever need it. I know you won’t need it but idk even though i don’t love you as much anymore I still worry about you.

I don’t love you anymore because you lost my trust for leaving me but I’m still scared you will never talk to me ever again. You say you’re so tired – i can understand why you said that I can’t handle myself when I’m with you. When I’m talking to you, I say what’s on my mind at the moment and I regret it sometimes because I say it when I’m in a mood and I don’t mean it all.

I wish i could have been enough for you but I’ll never be enough for anyone. I wish you never met me maybe it would have been better that way i wouldn’t have had to host that event that overwhelmed me and you would have met someone that would have treated you better and that didn’t delete their accounts a lot and lie about relationships stuff at first, that wouldn’t have been clingy, more understanding, wasn’t long distance, wouldn’t have got your name tattooed, wouldn’t have been obsessed with you, who would have communicated better, someone that wasn’t me entirely.

Like i said you deserve better – that must have been why you blocked me, broke up with me and want nothing to do with me and said maybe to unblocking me someday. You hate me but you haven’t said it yet because you know i will be hurt and go insane. My feelings relied on you and that wasn’t fair on you and still isn’t fair on you especially since you said that you want to be single and have your freedom to do whatever you want. I respect that, but I wish my nightmare didn’t come true where you left me, because i was wishing you said you missed me, but you didn’t.

On the day after you birthday that’s why I was sad and left you on seen and cried for a while. You didn’t seem interested in the relationship to me and just felt like you had to message some stuff because we were together. You’re released from being with me. I’m sure it was hell being with me. You’re right saying things in your notes gets your mind off things.

The reddit people are so rude I just wanted to have somewhere to vent but I feel so judged. They have all right to judge me though i have an insane obsession and unhealthy attachment to you. It’s not mature for me to keep messaging you i know that. You blocked me on everything because I told you to and you wanted to. I must have bothered you throughout our relationship. You would message me pics and say that you were in class.

I have to be the most annoying partner to you. I would always ask do you hate me, do you like me, do you love me, will you marry me, do you want to leave me ( i never wanted it i don’t want to force anyone to stay with me that’s why i said that) You said you hate me and wish you hope you only have gave me friends. It’s understandable i’m an awful partner and person.

I was not a good ex. I wanted to be on good terms but i’m too sensitive to everything you do. I’m really happy for you that you have a partner that can treat you better than I ever could. I was long distance so I couldn’t really treat you as I wanted. I knew you wanted physical touch love language and i think your partner is close distance – i’m just assuming they are though. I was relieved that you said he treats you right and loves you lot.

I’ll leave you alone. I won’t ever create any account to stalk you or message you again. I haven’t thought about looking you up at all and i deleted all pictures of you. I’m going to try move on I’ll remove the tattoo and try love myself more. 
Thank you for everything. It was a great experience knowing you for a short time my first love.
Love,
C