Hey.. Look.. I love you too and  I just dont understand what else to do because throughout the relationship I tried to work it out and I always ALWAYS thought it was my fault when it wasn’t.  You were my guy . But you also doubted my love for you and how much I care about you and that?? hurts me the most and its like you will never ever forgive me for what I did and held a grudge against me…I am not the same way when someone apologizes about when they hurt me I just let it go and I forgive them.

I hurt you and I know  how  much I hurt you and I am sorry for that but like I honestly think you cannot hold it against me to this point?? We grew with each other for a whole year but it’s the same accusations same trust issues and same accusations on how its my fault for how you are and my fault for everything I did… I mean when I flirted with your friend in front of you … you don’t even remember but I was crying and begging ALL NIGHT and the whole night you said you were gonna make Rose your first Kitten and I was gonna be your second Kitten.. like that hurt me so much and it gave me trauma and ptsd…

I am sorry I hurt you and I made many mistake that hurt you.. but I thought we grew together through it and I thought you forgave me and forgotten about it but you didn’t and I just don’t understand why you refuse to even try to forgive and forget about it and I cant help you because I said sorry I apologized and I beat myself over those mistakes soo much but in the end I am lost and I am always worried when I will do something wrong again. I am tired of beating myself up over it because you refuse to forgive me and forget it and when I say that you just say its something that is very unforgivable thing that I did.. but when I speak with others say that its not even true about the cheating thing because I LITERALLY left another guy for you regardless of you telling me or finding out before I even got to tell you about it…  that doesn’t mean shit either because you CHOSE to date me regardless of that flaw of mine but refuse to let it go. REFUSE to go to couples counselling or get therapy for yourself instead tell me that I need counselling??? and therapy? you don’t see my love towards you at all tis like these negative aspects just blind you from seeing how much I love you. I even told you I got issues and at that time you said its fine… YOU SAID you were willing to help me work through them… but you didn’t. 

Every time our relationship was unclear or not on the right tracks I would google for solutions to fix us and in the end all I found was most of the factor of you and me coming to the middle and compromising and agreeing.. I even ask you isn’t relationship about compromise? And you said no it’s not why the fuck would I compromise myself in a relationship? I shoulda seen that as a sign of why we wouldn’t workout.
I hate the fact you made me cry on my birthday no guy I dated ever made me cry in a relationship as much as you made me cry and made me feel like absolute shit and I started to just accept everything that happens is my fault. 

I tolerated a lot and thats the reason I don’t go back to you because you make me feel like everything is my fault and I am this fucked up person who is always doing shit wrong. I am this  person for thinking things were wrong of feeling that I was crazy. IT’S NOT fair that you refuse to talk to me after bringing up a problem like if you aren’t gonna talk about it why bother bringing it up at all?? and then get mad at me for going and talking to my friends because you refuse to talk about it and I need to let it go somehow either talking to you or just venting about it and then letting it go. You brainwashed me into thinking that its wrong to talk about our problems to our friends because they aren’t in our relationship but i was literally stuck with just dealing it on my own because you refuse to talk about it and when i try to force you to talk about it you wont budge at all.

Like I know you love me.. and I know I love you too but its hard to let you go as well its hard when it comes to trying to not get back into that unhealthy cycle of our relationship. Also you think that you fucked up our love to the point their words (my friends) are stronger than us and not everything  or every time i do something against you means that its because of my friends I am literally asking professionals and therapists and they know and they say its unhealthy and its a pattern and its something I need to change within myself by not being with you because you are unable to let go of me.. and this is the part that hurts me the most because I love you more than anything.. I just hope down the line a year from now we are in a better place where we are able to be friends and talk out what happened in our relationship without you and me feeling offended or emotional and how everything is my fault and I hope we can come to an agreement about it and actually understand each other.

Why wont you forgive me for what I did even after a whole year passed off?
Because you just feel like I will constantly hurt you.. You dont trust me so you cant forgive me.

Why did we not work even tho I tried so hard to make it work ?
Because you refused to work with me or meet me half way or work on yourself.
Why do I seem so fixated towards you and I am unable to let you go ?
Because I think its real love as Its a love very similar to my parents where they criticize and tell what to do an what not to do.
Why is it everytime I think of us I just see me as a fucked up person?
I am a very empathetic and I felt like from the start everything was my fault.
Why cant you meet me in the middle and compromise ?
I dont think there is an answer besides you never wanted to try and you took advantage of me being by your side or coming back to you no matter what.

Why do you refuse to move on from me? It will only make it harder for me as well… I get that it feels like you cant live without me but trust me you can.. you did before and you are able to but it will take time.. You should try and make friends locally are you and try to work on yourself.. I’m glad you got a therapist.. She although might not understand you quite well but hopefully that don’t mean you give up.