To CM,
Roughly 22 years ago you first caught my attention walking into history class. You had an infectious smile on your face and awkwardly stared me down in a way I don’t think any other women had ever done. I’ll never forget the very obviously shy and embarrassed “HI” as you walked by that first time. Unbeknownst to me, I had caught your eye. Me, being about as shy as a young man could be, certainly didn’t pickup on any of your advances right way, so you quietly figured out you would have to be the bold one, and you definitely were.

You were a quirky girl, beautiful, Mildly eccentric in some ways but lovely as well. Sweet natured and opened minded you had a knack for the unique. And though you could be sometimes socially awkward(and so could I) you were also brilliant and intelligent. The unfortunate thing was you rarely showed those that didn’t know you well. For whatever reason you fell for me, the average guy who was into music and cars, nothing overtly special about me but fortunately for me you were into it. Boy was I lucky guy.

Kind of weird thinking back on how you had to pursue me at first. But once I figured out the game a bit, I was all in and fell hard for you. I was a novice when it came to love, it baffled me that someone like you would be be remotely interested in me. But by some fortunate blessing that I can’t explain, you were and amazingly you became the first of everything for me. My first kiss, first real love, first lover, and my first loss. I felt over the moon for you in those days and we shared some of the best times of my life.

I can think back to cruising around with you with no real destination, our nights on the beach together (almost getting caught a few times), attempting to make out in your car at parties, spending time with you at your parents home where we laughed and shared and experienced time with each other, and the fun trips we would make, spending time in bed and breakfast’s like a couple far older more astute then that of the likes of our friends or us lol. What I took away from those times was just how interesting a person you were to be around. Sexy and smart with a philosophical view on life that most people your age, including myself at the time, didn’t understand. Far more worldly than most and not by choice but that was ok. I think this formed who I am now, my view on life and my way of thinking philosophically. I can truly say to this day I miss spending time with you. The vibe between us seemed to always click in a loving and friendly way, Even when you were in silly moods or random as hell. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but I believe based on those moments with you, that people don’t need to be perfect, they need to be perfectly imperfect. That is what makes life worth the journey.

As with life people grow apart, after about 3 years the situation between us seemed to fizzle out for you, not me at first. I picked up on your lack of interest, assumed you had taken to another more interesting or situationally pleasing person and you became distant. After several feeble and insecure attempts to rekindle what we had, I made a conscious decision to let you go. This wasn’t easy but I wanted a solution. Hurt and inexperienced in matters of such depth, I did what I now kind of regret and fully cut you off. Stopped coming over, stopped calling, stopped texting. As expected you didn’t seem to mind at first, until a couple of weeks went by and I guess you figured out what was going on. You left dozens of messages I didn’t return. Eventually, we spoke but it wasn’t more than causal small talk. I failed to explain myself and let you figure it out on your own. A move I now regret terribly, as it left you and I with an open book. One thing was for sure however, It was unequivocally over and our paths diverged. So you are aware, my intuition has always served me well, your behavior led me to fully know you wanted to separate but you also wanted to stay. I knew I had to make the cut or risk a harder fall. I hadn’t moved on or found anyone new, I was hurt and wanted to make myself move on. It was the best move I could think to make at the time. Now older and wiser, both of us I’m sure, we would have handled that differently.

With the exception of one, amazing afternoon in 2005 where we both kind of gave into a moment, we’ve not seen each other in person.

You have written me in the past (many years ago now) and because I still harbored some sore feelings then, I never wrote back(another regret, the email in 2007 was heartfelt, I appreciated it and so you know I was not upset with you for that). Because of how we left things, more importantly how I ended things, I’ve always felt I never really closed this book the right way.

This is not a new thought or feeling for me. I’ve wanted to have a deep discussion with you for many years now. In 2013 I became a bit bold just after my engagement and connected with you on a social media platform. This opened a door which ultimately didn’t lead where I wanted it to. The brief conversation we had, made me very happy, though I picked up on the feeling that you wanted more than a chat. When I pulled back after your invite to drinks in the middle of the night, and told you my future Mrs. would likely not like me doing that, I think this may have hurt you a little bit. I base this off your reaction to my very shitty way of telling you I was getting married and my immediate ghosting. I hope this wasn’t the case. I just wanted to have that connection with you again and I did not want you to think I was interested in anything other than mending a friendship. Your reaction wasn’t the best when I mentioned it and because of that, I dropped the line of communication, I regret the way I handled that as well, this letter wouldn’t be necessary had I handled it differently. But maybe I wasn’t ready or wise enough to articulate my intention appropriately.

So why do I want to write this? Well I think of you often, more often than most people who had a high school girlfriend. It is not because I want to rekindle anything, but because I feel you are a special person in the story of my life and I left things with you open ended. Time has moved on, and now I’m happily married to the most perfect wife anyone can find and two amazing children. But still periodically recall memories or have dreams about you. Don’t take me the wrong way, I don’t lust for an old flame or desire to stray. This is an emotional connection I now believe is going to be lifelong. I want to recognize it and appreciate it. So now I’m here, making a public journal entry, which is out of character for me, but feels right in this moment. I want to thank you CM for being part of my life. The memories of our time together will forever be part of my story and I will continue to look fondly back at them. While I’m sure you have led an amazing and even more worldly life up and until this point, I hope you are living it the best you can, I do not harbor any Ill feelings about you, the soreness is gone and only happy memories remain. Even with all the time that’s past I consider you one of my closest connections/friends in life. If you do ever want to talk I am open to it, but if not that is ok too. Either way the book is still open.

-B