Dear B,
By the time you get this i will already be gone and it will probably be too late for this to mean anything to you, but i cant let us end the way that we did. I hope you actually take the time to read this entire letter not only for me but for you as well. This letter is the best way i could think of to try to explain myself and what happened. I love you B, more then anyone else in the world, including myself. And maybe thats the problem, its hard to feel like you love and care about someone so much more then they do you. Even after everything that you put me through and when i should have hated your guts and wanted nothing to do with you, i still found my self defending you and your actions, making excuses for you and putting the blame on to myself. Which was wrong of me because even if i wasn’t perfect and our relationship wasn’t perfect, there was no excuse for you to absolutely destroy me in the way that you did. Im not sure if i will ever really get over the betrayal and hurt that you caused me. I thought that i could, i thought that if i pretended i was over it and acted like you didn’t break my heart, then eventually i would start to believe it and we could go back to what we had. I don’t think you will ever truly be able to understand what i went through and how hard i tried, because i did, i put my all into trying to make you and me work. You’re my best friend, you know me better then anyone else and you have always been there for me and i have never wanted to loose you. Its weird for me to even begin to imagine what my life is going to be like without you in it. Because every time i have pictured my life over the past 5 years you have always been in it, right by my side. You and me forever, i honestly believed that. I thought one day we would finally get the hang of it and we would get married and have a cute story and live happily ever after, as delusional as that may have been. After we started hanging out again i tried to put everything behind me, I forgave you and i tried to forget about her, the lying, the sneaking around, and the terrible way you made me feel about myself daily but it was always in the back of my head. I would be happy for a moment and then id be reminded of something that happened. Or i would constantly be comparing myself to her wondering if you liked her better, wondering if you were comparing us in your head as well and feeling like i maybe i didn’t live up to her. It was a terrible feeling. Even of you weren’t talking to her, its like she was still a problem in our relationship. I didn’t like the person that everything was causing me to turn into, I was a bitch to you and i caused a lot of stupid little fights. Ill take blame for that, its my fault for letting my insecurities control my life, but at the same time i wouldn’t have those insecurities if it wasn’t for the things you have done and said to me. I would be fine when you were near me but when you weren’t around these waves of paranoia would take over, and i could feel myself being crazy but i couldn’t control it. So when you were at boneville it was like i knew you were there for work and with your family, but at the same time my mind was running crazy, and if you could cheat on me before what was going to stop you now, and i couldn’t stop obsessing and wondering if she was there with you. Those couple of days were horrible for me, i was absolutely miserable, and i didn’t tell you because i knew you would just say i was being crazy and that i needed to grow up. So i held it in and didn’t talk to you to prevent going off on you. After that fight on the phone i wanted you to come over and talk to me, or at least call me. I needed you to fight for this relationship, i needed to see that you did care about loosing me. But you didn’t, and that hurts so much. All i have ever wanted was for you to realize that i was special and someone that you couldn’t live without, and though you might have said it, i never really felt like you meant it… I could feel us already slipping into our old habits so maybe its for the best we are not together, maybe we are better apart. Im not really sure, but it hurts not having you in my life. I just keep thinking that maybe i should have talked to you about the way that i was feeling and who knows things might have gone down differently. Because even if we had moments where we hated each other and couldn’t get along for the life of us, we also had some amazing times together. I have had so many moments where i would look at you and just be so in love and so happy with you. Even if we were just sitting on the couch watching one of our shows or wrestling around. I just cant picture myself ever finding someone who i have that kind of connection with. Thats the hard thing though because i have no idea if you ever really felt the same way. And i want to apologize for ever making you feel like you couldn’t come to me, and like we couldn’t just work out our problems. Im sorry that i pushed you to go seek her out, because in the end its what ultimately destroyed us. And I’m sorry for running away instead of facing all of this and being to afraid to say it all in person. I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle the thought of you hurting me because honestly I’m not sure if i could recover from something like that again. So maybe subconcesly i sabotaged this, so i was hurting myself instead of you hurting me this time. I couldn’t be just a phone call or 30 miniutes away from you because i knew no matter what you said or did to me i would always come back. So i had to get away, i had to go do something for myself, and maybe it was the worst decision i could have made, or maybe it will be the best. Either way i will always wonder what would have happened if i had done things differently. Im not sure where we really go from here, but i don’t hate you and i hope that you don’t hate me either, I will always love you, no matter what happens. You will always be the guy i compare everyone to. I will also always be here for you no matter what and i will never stop caring about you or your family. I want you to know that i wouldn’t take back a second of our relationship. The ups and the downs, the amazing times and the horrible times, the inside jokes and constant laughter, even the fighting , the abuse and the tears, its all had a huge impact on the person i am today and Im thankful for all of it. I never would have thought that the night i met you ,you would have ended up being such a huge part of my life.Some of my best memories i have are with you and for that i’m so happy. Some of the worst times i have ever had are also with you, some of the moments where i just wanted to be done, and thought i cant do this anymore, and just wanted to give up, and the moments where you broke me down until i felt nothing it all taught me that I’m a lot stronger then i thought i was and its thanks to you. I don’t know if i will ever fully be able to move on and get over you, but I’m not really sure if i want to. I guess some little part of me is hoping that after some time apart we will learn what exactly it is we want and one day we might realize its each other. If not you will always have a place in my heart as my first love. I also want to Thank you for everything you have done for me over the years. I know at times it may have seemed like i didnt fully appreciate you or the things you did, and maybe i came across as ungrateful. But i want you to know that i did notice and apricate it, even if i didn’t express it the way that i should have. You’re a good guy B, even if that gets lost sometimes and you loose your temper. I don’t think that you ever set out to do things to me to be malicious, or to specifically hurt me, i think instead you just acted without thinking about how your actions would affect me. I have gotten to see a side of you that not many people have. You can be so caring and sweet and you always trust everyone even if sometimes you shouldn’t. But you also have this side of you that frankly scares the shit out of me, you can just be so full of hate and rage its like its not even you sometimes.I really hope that one day you dont loose control and let that part of you take over your life. I really do want the best for you, and i want for you to be happy.

I love you,
always and forever
M