Hi K,

When people cheat on you, you’re supposed to forget about them right? Especially if it happens when you’re just 16. There are a lot more people worth your time. There are a lot more people who can make you feel loved and happy. The relationships you have during high school aren’t always the deepest, but why wasn’t that the case with you?

I may as well be the stupidest person alive–and I know it.

When I met A, I thought I’d forgotten about you. We got through some awkward meetings, and we somehow managed to be friends. Not the friendliest of friends, but that’s that. People were telling me that I should hate you, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to move on, and I thought A made it all better. That you are no longer important. And that you are a closed chapter in my mind and heart. You were happy with G, and I was happy with A. Then two years after, you cracked a tiny spot in my apparently still fragile heart. You told me things that I’d never thought I’d hear you say. You told me that you thought of me, you would remember me just by hearing a song, and you even wanted to kiss me. Thankfully, I stood my ground and rejected your advances, but this was then that I realised how all my guards are still up. This was the result of what went down between us some years ago. I used to be a very sweet and sentimental girl, but somehow I am now a very cynical and not-a-girl’s-girl type of girl. I thought that it was just me growing up, but now I know that it was me not wanting to get hurt again.

Fast forward to three years after that encounter, you decided that you wanted me in your life again. You just broke up with G but found (short-lived) love again with V, while I am still very much happy with A. Then you and V broke up, and A and I found ourselves in a long distance relationship.

You completely barged into my life again, and I totally let you in. We would go out to drinks, dinners, and movies with our friends. It’s like we got a fresh and better start. You became one of the best friends ever, and we grew protective of each other. I knew I was falling right back when I couldn’t stop thinking about you. But through all this, I knew it was wrong. I had a boyfriend, and you didn’t even know that I had these feelings. I chose to stay away, because it is the right thing to do.

Now, you are once again happily dating someone new. A and I are still in our relationship, and something even tells me that he’s going to pop the question soon. I feel bad that I can’t entirely say that he is the only one I love. I know I love him, but it’s not as quite as strong with you. I know I am being unfair to him, but I have come to accept that we are not right for each other. And that A is the perfect man for me. I try my best to put on a brave face every time I see you with your new girlfriend. I try my best to be the most supportive friend ever, but it kills me a little every time I try.

You are the love of my life, and it is because of you that I fully understand how it is to love someone. I do not need you to be whole, and I am not wishing that you leave her for me. All I want is to see you happy. And while that can possibly shatter me from the inside, it’s something that I will forever do. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I’d much rather have you as a friend than risk losing you.

I will always love you, and I wish I can be brave enough to tell you someday.

S