Hi S.
That’s what I call you now. Whenever I talk to someone about us I refer to you the name as S. I can’t say your full name anymore. But I still see your name everywhere. A lot. Every movie. TV-Show. New games I play. Pretty silly huh? I have just finished deleting everything from my computer and ext.drives that was a reminder of you. I thought that I did a though sweep once in November and December but alas I was wrong. I still found pictures of you here and there. But now they are all gone. I’m going to move from my apartment soon also. Too much memories I guess. And the rent is too damn high!
Not one day has gone by without me thinking about you at least 10-20 times. But I have my ups and downs. I think I’m moving up now little by little because I’m starting to realize that you will not come back to me. Every phone call, text, e-mail and knocking on my door I have hoped that it was you. I sometimes wish that I didn’t took that brake, just so I could have a little more time with you. But then something tells me that it was probably inevitable. Everything went so fast. I still don’t understand how. How you can go from loving me and crying ,when I was leaving, to have pure hate and disgust in your eyes the few times we met after. Do I really deserve that? Was I such a bad boyfriend?
Maybe you was never was the same S as prior 2010. Maybe you were a big lie. Maybe you used me. For comfort. For stabilization. But that’s how some love stories goes… I suppose. I’m not mad at you. I do wish you well. I hope that you have found your own comfort and stabilization within yourself. And that you do not fall back to the self destructive darkness. Because I don’t want to be used like that again.
Maybe in a couple of years we’ll bump in to each other? Have a fika and talk about everything. Maybe we will have those children. Alice and Phillip. Maybe a cat and a dog. Big house at the countryside. Maybe.
You will always have a place in my heart S. I will never let you go. But I will forget about you. So I don’t have to hurt anymore.
Maybe I will see you later in life.
Because I know that fate has its ways.
P.S. I’m missing a key.
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To the boy who showed me wonders,
So it’s been 2 and a half months since we’ve broken up. And honest to god I never pictured myself in this position. I thought we were it, I thought you were my forever. But look at us now, in different places. You were put in a complicated situation, I get that. But why give up on me so easy? Why didn’t you fight for it like I did? I went through everything you did, maybe worse, but I still fought for you, every day, every chance I got, I never gave up on you. I loved you so much, to the point where I didn’t know if I’d ever be capable of loving someone as much. Or capable of love itself. I thought I was strong, but who knew I’d be wrong. I cried everyday, trying so hard to fight back the tears that effortlessly rolled down my cheeks. Muffling, so that my mom wasn’t worried. How could you leave me just like that? Like I was just a video game you were so excited about when u first got it, but threw away once you completed the missions. Was it all just for the sake of experience? Did you not love me like you claimed you did? Was I just a game you wanted to finish? You thought I would have no trouble getting over you, like the past year was just for fun, but little did you know I meant every word I said, every move I made and every kiss we had. I meant it, when I said I would never leave you, I meant it, when I said I’d choose you over anyone else in a heart beat, I meant it, when I told you I’d give anything for you, even my life. Did you? I claimed you openly, I never once felt ashamed of being w you. Even when you’ve been an asshole and my friends tell me you’re not worth it. I shamelessly loved you, every time you broke my heart, piece by piece, I loved you w the remaining parts that were still left of me. I gave you my all, even if sometimes I didn’t show it, I loved you with everything I had. I told you once, that I’ve never loved anyone like this before, I meant it then, I mean it now. After all this, I still forgive you, i want you to be happy, and if that’s w/o me, so be it.
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