To my ex,

You contacted me two days ago after almost a year and 1/2 of silence emailing simply “Nothing with her ever felt as good as it had been with you.”

Well… no shit. I’m not going to answer you back and give you the satisfaction of a conversation but instead I’m going to tell you here what you can’t seem to figure out by yourself.

You never understood that fixing your own issues takes precedent over continuing a relationship and, boy, do you need to fix your issues. I realized you were falling apart back when we were graduating from college (I was with you for 2 years how could I not know) but I also knew I couldn’t fix you. I warned you that I wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship as your girlfriend but I could be your best friend and support through your depression. You said you would do the same for me. As soon as I let go that’s when you latched onto her.

You turned pathetic and played the dumb-struck card at the time but I knew what you were doing. She made herself convenient for you. She dressed the way you liked (she dressed like me). She acted more assertive than she was (she acted assertive like me). She wore her hair in a pixie cut (she cut her hair like me). I warned you then that you she was playing a game. I warned you that you wouldn’t be able to replace me.

What you wanted was a fairytale. We fell in love because you were a dreamer and I was your anchor. I had no direction in the art world and you had a clear future that you wanted. We fell in love because your heart was open and mine needed somewhere to rest. When you were self-depreciating, I talked you up. When I needed adventure, you took me out. We were opposites in the best ways. I’ll never forget that. I’ve never forgotten that yes, we really did have a good thing.

When you told me you slept with her, just a couple of weeks after we broke up, you broke me a little bit. I never thought you could be seduced by someone like that. I pegged you to be a stronger person. I also knew that as that moment, you didn’t want me. You wanted anyone who could fill in. I had imagined until then, that you would get the help you needed and then we would be able to come back together. However after that I started to see who you really were at the time. You were selfish. You would never be a good partner or a good friend to me. So I moved away.

Here’s the part of the story you don’t know, the reason my mind has not changed about you.
I met Aaron. When he and I met, you were the guy that hurt me that gave me the wounds he had to heal. He took that responsibility, without asking, without faltering. He was the one who observed my anxiety at dinners and stilled it with his hands, without asking, without mentioning. He was the one who built a future with me in it unprompted. He opened his home to me. He gave me his world to share without asking for anything in return. Aaron doesn’t believe in fairytale love. He doesn’t have an ideal partner that he needs.

He explains that he what he loves is the universe that is me, an ever-evolving, ever-moving human being, something he cannot contain in his hands or ever explain. I’m not some cute, pixie-haired, fashionable art nerd to him. I am the person that he’s chosen to move forward with.

That is what you could never understand S. You haven’t changed at all.

“Nothing with her ever felt as good as it had been with you.” That’s because I’m not a copy. I’m an original and because of your selfish mistakes you will miss out on having any future with everything that is me.

I know that even as you send me these messages you’re with her still, pretending to love her. Simply because of this I feel the worst for her. As for you I really hope you never change so you will continue to cause your own self-inflicted misery.

– Ney