It’s been over a year since our breakup. And it’s been two weeks or so since the last time I saw you. Shouldn’t I be over you? Shouldn’t I have moved on already? I mean it was my decision to end the relationship, so why all of this remorse. If I’m being completely honest it’s more about me being lonely. Not that I don’t have feelings for you. Even after everything I can say with certainty that I love you. I haven’t stopped. And sometimes I wonder if I’ll love you forever and ever. I wonder if you were the One.
I read a book recently. And what stayed with me was that you don’t let the woman you used to love (or so you’ve said) to be degraded and humiliated. And here I am thinking, well you did let that happen. Not only with your friends, but with asking me to be friends with benefits. You knew my state of mind, you knew I had feelings. I trusted you and all you were doing was using me. I’ve never had much pride when it comes to you. I’ve begged and begged and did everything known to mankind to keep you by my side. I did everything that I wasn’t supposed to do. I gave up everything for you. And I was never enough. Never pretty enough, sexy enough, blonde enough. Silly how all the bad times come to mind when you least expect them. When I think of you I only think about the good memories, the things we used to do, the love you used to give me. And I forget about everything else that was wrong. The emotional abuse, you humiliating me, being ashamed of me, belittling me. I wish I can forget e everything. The good, the bad, everything in between. I want to wake up to a different life. A life where there aren’t going to be lessons that I’ll have to learn. I want to be free from the memory of you. To be free of all of this pain and anger.