Still heartbroken

Mike, Justin and Brock. Three different men who all saw me at my worst and took me in only to break me down later. Mike you tore me down with words and spread some of the most terrible things about me, you abused me and used me. Justin you lied to everyone about where I was while I was in the hospital and took another girl on a date. Brock you told me you were single, treated me like a princess when I was in the most fragile state. YOU HAD A GF but did all that to me so you could use my body to your pleasure then just ghost me.

I still have room in my heart for Justin, you treated me well until I  was sick but you Brock and Mike broke me down physically and mentally. There’s no room for you left

I would truly love to know why you all choose to do these things and of you ever think about them or me. You caused unrepairable trauma so I will never not think about it or you

Taylor

It’s hard to write this because I don’t want to face the reality of your absence. 12 months have been the happiest in my life, being with you has been a dream come true. I have never been so understanding, patient, and loving towards someone in my life until I met you. Life would not be worth living without you in it. You mean more to me than words can express and I will never forget you. I’ve sat here for the last hour trying to figure out what else to say because words can never truly convey how much I love you. We may not be together anymore but it doesn’t mean I love you any less…

I miss you, J.

Fuckershit.

I wish that you would just call me. I know I’m a lot to handle and things haven’t always been easy & we both have put each other through some really messed up shit. But we both promised to always work through it and that we would love each other forever. you promised you we weren’t going anywhere. We have worked through so much more fucked up shit from both sides: worse than what you and I are dealing with now. I just don’t understand why it was so easy for you to leave me without even saying a fucking word.

I know I was the one that broke up with you, but I was not in the right headspace and you should’ve known that, since my grandma died in front of me just days before. and all you’re worried about was arguing with me.. and you can’t even acknowledge what you’ve done wrong you just wanna point fingers at me for something that you have no evidence of And I I’m telling you that I didn’t do it and you wouldn’t even give me a phone call or try to hear what I had to say. if you truly meant it, when you say you love me, you would’ve called. you would’ve tried to fight for me or at least hear what I had to say, or at least not do the one thing you know I can’t handle which is abandonment.

That’s what you did, you left. No words nothing. I was in the middle of being the only one trying to communicate and then I was blocked mid sentence. blocked on everything still. we probably would’ve been back together by now if you would’ve just picked up the phone that night. I don’t understand why it was too easy for you just to shut down and leave me at my lowest.

I have admitted that I’m not perfect and I made mistakes and that I did things unhealthily that night and I apologized for them over and over, but there was no accountability on your side for how you were treating me every day since my Mema passed or how you chose to approach things,  refusal to communicate. I just hate that we were able to move past so so much more intense and more serious situations and we can’t move past something that was so small and has now blown into so much more because you refuse to address it, and talk about it when it happened.

I just wanna let all of it out because I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to you again so I’m gonna hope you see this. but I do know there’s only one thing that’s bound to travel through the grapevine about me in the future and I want you to have this to read with everything I have to say when that day comes around.

I have been losing my mind trying to get through to you and no luck and nothing from you. I should be grieving, but instead, I’m fighting for somebody that doesn’t even wanna fight for me. I wish you would just tell me what the real reason is because I know that you’re just projecting on me with what you were saying I did and I know I didn’t do. I was home with my grieving grandfather all day long just to have this happen on top of everything I’m going through, I just want answers so I can be at peace if I can’t have you back I at least deserve to know what the real reason is for why you gave up so randomly and easily.

No matter what I will always love you you brought a light into my life that I’ve never experienced and will never experienced again I told you if it’s not you it’s no one and I meant that I do not plan on trying to move on. I don’t plan on any of that. I’m done for. Wish you could believe me when I tell you how much you mean to me but you never have, and I don’t know why I’ve done nothing, but pour and pour and pour into you just to be taken and taken and taken from with nothing in return, and you still don’t believe me when I tell you you I love you.. what female would stick by someone that makes them do that, makes them feel that way,  not one that doesn’t love that man unconditionally and eternally.

No matter what you do to me. I will love you and I think that’s why you take advantage of me and that’s fine do it I don’t care just come back before it’s too late and there’s nothing to come back to. I can’t wait forever and I’m slowly becoming an empty shell of what I used to be, and I know what that means for me and where I’m gonna go. This is probably a really toxic relationship but it’s because you’re not trying to make it different you’re not trying to change you’re not listening to what I tell you. It’s become childish you need to grow up because if you love me and you expect me to stick by you, there has to be effort, accountability from both sides not just me I can’t carry us both i can barely carry myself at times. 

I love you. call me before it’s too late for you to reach me.

Life, can feel amazing
Life, at times, Can even feel brand new. 
Life, can also change in the blink of an eye, 
Leaving you trapped in it’s wake, 
In a state of distress,
Feeling unsure of who you are, 
Feeling uncertain of what to do.

How long must one suffer;
Before it becomes to much to endure? 
Misery seems to accompany me now in my everyday routines.
All the things I found happiness in,
Seem to be a delusion of grandeur. 

Heartache and let downs have broken my trust, 
Restless nights have become the norm.
Nightmares have become my new dreams. 
From the trauma and damage of all the loss and hurt  I’ve experienced;
Never getting the chance to right my wrongs, 
Never getting the chance to redeem. 

Change takes time, this I know 
But mine feels well overdue.
Yet, I can’t seem to shake this grief.
I try my best to practice patience.
But you can tell I’m yearning… 
You can see it in my eyes I long for the day.
When I can rest and let out a  sigh in relief. 

Can I find solace in letting go of the past;
Embrace the fact that my future is up to me? 
My mistakes are my own. 
So why do I cast blame? 
Why is it so hard to take accountability? 

Anxiety and overthinking are just a few of the many unwanted  traits I’ve come to know.
Losing myself as each days passes;
From this unwanted life I’ve acquired. 
But I’m told by many that this is part of the process one must undergo. 
Each day that passes  is never the same,  
The man in the mirror I see, I no longer know. 

Im hurt from all the randomness, chaos and instability. 
But I know in my heart it’s still me…
And the irony in this, is that;
To have my old self back is all i’ve ever wanted.
It’s rightfully mine, so why can’t it be? 

Is it wrong to want what was once mine back?
What once made me, well…“me?” 
What was once my essence,
Tell me, where did it go?
Why can’t I contain something only I’ve obtained?
Is this version of myself that I must come to know? 

I feel melancholy, I feel lost, I feel anger and confusion;
But emptiness is what I feel the most inside. 
Faced with the stigma of being a man with feelings.
Only makes you seem weak, crazy, or both.
So all these thoughts and feelings…
I have to hide. 

So I begin to remember a time…
A time when I was happy.

A time before I felt all this pain.
A time before all my shame.
A time before all my frustration
A time before all my heartache.
A time When I did the best I could, 
No matter the situation. 

A time in which I was decent man. 
A time of confidence and happiness.
A time when success always triumphed
No  matter the issue, 
When I always had a plan.

But reminded, I am, as reality sets back in, 
This is my life…
But it’s a life in which I feel so distraught.
I need to understand that these are just memories and feelings.  
In which I created to escape a life of sadness and hopelessness. 
I need to understand that these are just thoughts. 

But despite all my accomplishments, I still feel like a failure, 
It’s hard to stay positive, 
Even harder to keep it on the roll. 
I’m having such a hard time in my life right now.
Nothing is aligning or making sense, 
Nothing in my life feels like it’s in my control. 

I can feel myself sinking Into a state of mind,
Where I’m unable to see or make sense But I’m still aware. 
Unable to escape this darkness, Unable to escape this emptiness. 
Because all the pain has taken it’s toll, 
All this pain is simply just too immense!

My heart, now a void.
My mid filled with loving thoughts that sink into an abyss.
Everything I’ve ever been feels as if its been destroyed. 
Everything and everyone that mattered,
It feels as if they/it, no longer exist. 

All the light I emitted has been consumed by a darkness. 
That’s too great; too deep to retreat,
But everyday I’m still trying to fight it off. 
But I’m aways falling victim to tricks & lies;
From all the manipulation and all of the deceit 

How to rid myself of this; It’s all I wish, 
I pray I have the strength to overcome. 
I pray I don’t succumb to the hate and anger, 
I pray I have the strength to resist.

This sadness I’ve been feeling seems strangely the same,
Yet different this time. 
I can feel something else lurking deeply,
It’s as if my synapses are misfiring, In the depths of my mind. 
There’s a numbness growing inside me, a carelessness I never thought I could possess. 
And it’s all thanks to the women with whom, I thought I loved. 
But later learned she just loved herself, while causing me so much stress. 
I feel cold,
My soul feels old, 
No longer do I feel remorse, 
For any woman I cross paths with.
For this is the third heartbreak has ruined me.
No longer will I be a student in love’s class, 
No longer will I continue this course.

From the moment you entered my life. I knew I found my forever partner. I found someone who I trust, who I’m comfortable with, who I can share anything without being judged, who would be there every minute of the day. Someone who is clingy and jealous, who would go above and beyond for me, someone who will love me forever.

Life went great, we tied the knot and were comfortable. We never had the outrageous diners or date nights or weekends away, but we had each other. And that was my most biggest asset. You choosing me, loving me, and getting to go to bed every night with me was a prayer I couldn’t be more thankful for. 

Things started to change, I noticed in your behavior, in the way you spoke, in the things you would do, and how often we made love. I tried ignoring it, bcz I loved you more than anything in this world. And I know you don’t believe that. Well the years of drama, fighting, ugliness and breaking down got worst, I was depressed, you couldn’t care, you leeched onto others and made despising remarks of how you never wanted me and you felt sorry for me etc. It broke me, I turned to writing my thoughts knowing you’d read it and maybe make a change. You didn’t you became worst. I think you did it on purpose. But I endured hoping you had fight for this. 
You cried when I caught you out so many times yet you kept on doing it. I still stayed coz I knew we were young and maybe it’s just a phase. But things got worse. And I told you to leave. 
Instead of trying to fix what you broke you recruited people to mock, humiliate and downgrade me as much as you could. It was heartbreaking to think you’d stoop so low. 
We slept together time and again but it wasn’t anything special. Things went crunky and we both moved on. Even though we told ourselves we are in love we longed for each other. 
I came to the conclusion that, maybe things weren’t meant for us even though I only wanted you.  We could’ve created the best relationship if only you were vested in being happy with one person. We have a good relationship with each other, and that was all I longed for, to be your best friend, to give you love advice, for going on dates with others and telling me how it went, for me to tell you what to do to make her feel special, bcz I wanted u to praise me, to boost about me, and to go about your life trying to find the one for you while we become the best of friends for our offspring. But you can’t see it like that. You constantly feel the need to make me the wolf, to keep telling yourself bad things about me to make u feel better. We were not meant for each other, bcz you don’t shudder another soul the way you do with me. Just imagine the loving environment our kids could be in knowing there isn’t any hate, drama, unnecessary comments being thrown. This can only happen when you grow into an adult who is open to discussing things, who is open about I admit I did wrong, I admit that I played a part in the history of error. I Apologize and would like to know what the next steps are. Owning up and being able to admit your faults is a huge step to change. I guess you can only be acceptable to it if you have grown out of the space of being entitled. Nobody has ever been judged for admitting there wrongs, nobody has ever been judged for saying I did it coz I wanted to. 

However there is some point in you that wants more out there but also don’t want me to have the same. So you gaslight me, harass me, and at the same time, praise me love me and make the small efforts to keep me holding. Unfortunately, now, I no longer want that, because it’s unfair upon other women. 
I want understanding, open communication, easy conversation, and boosting that she is great parent, we just didn’t work out. And even if it means I have to meet 20 women, I will. You deserve happiness, you may not have much to offer, and money being spent isn’t required, but what you have to offer is your love, undivided attention and the effort of trying to help everyone. You deserve it,  and bcz it couldn’t be me, does not mean someone out there wouldn’t, I would however like to have part of the decision, bcz I know you very well. With that being said. I wish you well. My first and last and forever love.