I’ve been trying to avoid feelings in general. I don’t even want to write this but today at this exact time marks a month. I’m never going to hear from you and I knew that from the moment your uncle was the one who broke up with me for you on the phone and threatened me.
I love you. I think I will always love you. I wish it would disappear one day but you were a great person to me, when things were good at least and it was just us. I also hate you for how things ended and the reason too. It was hard to let you go. I can say your name just fine when I mention you when I talk about the past. But in my mind it’s like damn, we did so much together that it’s so hard to avoid mentioning you. You helped me in certain areas and I know I helped you too.
I love you for so many reasons and I wish I had more reasons to hate you so you can just disappear from my heart and mind one day. I have a lot of regrets but if I would’ve let you do more things, I wouldn’t have been true to myself. We both held back to protect one another but god I hang on for dear life. I meant every I love you, I meant every plan I made for us. I hate the fact that I loved you so much that I had a whole life plan for us and I thought we were on the same page cuz you’d even feed into my delusions.
The first week was hard. We did so much together and I admit, I depended on you a lot. We would hang out right after work, do hw together and go to the gym together. We’d talk all the time and keep each other accountable for things. I felt lost. I just didn’t want to exist. The fact that you didn’t have the balls to break up with me yourself and say goodbye at least over the phone is insane. I hate you for the last 12 hours of hour relationship.
I tolerated a lot. I let you throw me under the bus countless amount of times. You would talk about me behind my back and not defend me at all when your friends and family would say stuff. Everyone hated me because you’d only tell them the bad and not even tell them what you would say or do. I was always the villain thanks to you and I let it happen. I let it slide because I loved you and I was dumb for that. loving you made me ignore a lot of things and I get it now, love is blind. I’m sure as soon as it was over, there was a whole celebration. Together for a bit over a year just for it to end that way.
Crazy too because we were together all fine that same day then you went to your uncles house to “chill” with your uncle and cousin, you disappeared then when you texted me 2 hours later was to say “I can’t do this anymore” as always, you’re the puppet. You let your friends and family manipulate you and brainwash you. So yea I guess I was the only one in love because if you truly loved me then there’s no way in hell someone would’ve been able to cause all of this.
I know im no saint and I’ve tried my best to be the best version for you and for us but I was trying all on my own. you would try for a few days then go back to your old ways. Where the hell is the love you supposedly had for me? it’s insane. I miss your presence. I miss hugging you and giving you my love. But I do feel at peace and im sure you do too. I know you must’ve felt horrible having to be pulled from all directions and that’s all I can think of to keep me away from you. That hopefully you’re happy now. at peace. less anxious. I just want you to be happy.
I never understood that in movies but now I do. Love is being able to let someone go even If it means you’ll never get them back. I love you bebe. I threw everything away. I know there’s still somethings somewhere around here but I’ve been too lazy for that. I wish I can throw away what’s in my mind, too many memories. hopefully with time I’ll be able to fully let you go. but for now, I’ll just settle with the ghost of you. things will get better over time I hope. I miss you and just hope you’re happy and at peace baby. goodbye honey bunny.