So just a quick overview of everything we went through together:
When I met you, you had a history of bad relationships, including beating, rape and just generally being used, and you deserved none of it because you’re so fucking loveable.
This brought on voices in your head which push you toward suicide for the last three years of your life. I was one of very few people who knew about them, and they didn’t bother me. I saw you for you, with or without a mental illness.
I kept saying I would always be here for you, and that’s what I did.
Twp days ago was a month together, and you didn’t usually write your feelings anywhere or express them well, and I was always paranoid that you’d lose love for me, but you told me how strongly you felt and said that the voices left because I kept trying for you. I cured a three-year mental illness with just my love.
That night we got drunk together at your friend’s house and I went home the next day.
Yesterday you were ignoring me. Reading my messages but never replying. I left you with a “goodnight and I love you”.
Today you finally text me back, and told me that you just see me as a friend now, and you lost all your feelings for me because, on Friday night, I did something that “even your ex’s wouldn’t do” and it fucking disgusted me to be compared to any of them, but you said I took advantage of you when we were both really drunk. We’ve had full intercourse before, and we didn’t even do that on Friday.
Now I feel guilty as fuck. Like just another scumbag on your list of bad choices.
It’s now 8pm and I’ve not stopped thinking about you. I recently got back in from walking a few miles without a purpose. I don’t know what to do with myself. We dated for a month, but it’s still weird to lose something that you concentrate on all day and night. Literally the only thing that makes the happy is you, and you said that I was your source of happiness, but I guess you don’t need me anymore.
I messaged you a few minutes ago, and I said “I hate myself for messaging you again but don’t hesitate to message me if you feel down or alone or if you ever change your mind”.
I’m probably blocked but it’s worth a try.
I left a £2 coin in your bag on Saturday, wrapped in a note that said “thank you for the coffee” (because you paid for it last time I saw you) and it said “p.s. I love you” and I’m really hoping that might save us if you haven’t seen it already.
My phone will be under my pillow, full volume, all night. Just like it used to be when I was waiting for you. Now I’m doing it all over again.
I hope you realise soon that I’m not as bad as you think right now, and you’ll call me and tell me you’re sorry, and I’ll be waiting for it and I will cry if/when I get it.
I love you,