I know we are not in contact now. It have been a month of no-contact. I still remember the last thing you said, ” I dont want to see your message ever, leave me alone “. And I am proud to say that I am doing what you wanted from me. And I’m sure I stood upto your expectation this time.. I know im going against your will by writing this but I am sure you will never find out this message… So either way I am still keeping my words by not messaging you..
Alot of things have changed now. There was a time where I always started my day replying to your text then getting ready for college. And after college as soon as i reach home, i always talked about my day or sometimes rant over something. And stay up with you late night listening you talking about Kpop and series you watch. You had become a part of my daily life.
And now things are little different, after writing this letter, i’m going to take shower and make breakfast. YES!! Now i can cook some basic food. I even burnt my hand because i was not aware that if water and oil doesn’t go along with each other. There was some sort of sparkling and few heated oil drops caught my hand. But some of life’s best lessons are learned at the worst times.
And after college, i will be back home realizing that I cannot share my day or rant over anything with you.
To be honest, I never knew myself how much i love you. When we both got together, I was worried that I may hurt you somehow. Before I used to use the word ” BITCH” with most of the people. I didn’t mean it literally though, just as sake of saying. Remember? I used to say that to you too when we were just friends. But the moment my feeling grew stronger, I was not able to use that word to anyone. I realized how insensitive it sounds to use that word..
I was one of those guys, who is less of emotional and more of rational. I knew what you were expecting from me. Everyone wants to be loved, wants to feel special. And I was just giving you basic love that everyone deserve. And somewhere in between you felt like i was being clingy and there was just “ONE” moment where i made up my own stories relating myself with you just to console you when you were depressed. But I’m sure you felt better after i said that, didn’t you?
After break up, i was not able to accept it. Because during that time only reason you gave was ” I’m bored”, Now i find this so funny actually. I still play my childhood video games like contra, mario, dave, bow and arrow and i never got bored of them. And how can someone get bored of a person who have not done anything obnoxious to hate or get bored of him. I found that so vague that i couldn’t accept our break up. I thought you would change your mind and be back to normal. And I was having my exams too so i just ignored the fact that you broke up with me. I didn’t want that to affect my exam. So i acted everything was normal till my exams are over. I was still texting you. I used to write a long messages about my daily life or even rant over something. I didn’t expect any reply to be honest. But like Lord Buddha who was meditating under a tree suddenly attained enlightenment, something similar happened to me actually. I realized i was just bugging you and pushing your further away.. And since then I never sent you a message. First few days were quite hard because i was alone at my apartment. My roommates went home for vacation.. And after few days I had to go somewhere with some childhood friends. More like get-together with old friends.. That helped me a alot to reevaluate my life.
In the weeks, i started to organised my life without you in it, filling the void that you had once occupied with some other activities. I started to watch football . Argentina just lost Copa America. I feel sorry for messi. He deserves to win everything.. And i started to play starcraft. And started to work harder at my online workplace. But to be honest despite all these, somewhere inside, I always thought you would change your mind with time. That you will realize you made a mistake and wanted me back. And see me as a person with whom you can go on a world tour,sky dive, play pokemon, watch series, you introducing me into Kpop and me introducing you to Dota. But you moved on so easily it seems.
But I don’t want you to change your mind, i want you to make up your mind. There are lots of difference between us. You think raging or getting mad at someone is love and i believe respecting and appreciating is love. When you are depressed only person that can help you is yourself and you cannot just say ” fuck off” when someone is trying to console you. It sounds so rude though you didn’t mean to say it..
Either way, I’ve got test tomorrow and im so nervous. And you are not there to motivate by saying scary thing like “you’re going to fail” or going offline so that i can study, But i will give my best.
I am so sorry for the raw emotion that i show to you. It was just because I was so confused during break up. It was my first relationship and you were my first love too. I just saw this quite while writing this to you, it says ” I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great won’t happen twice”. I was bit rude with you with raw emotions because I was completely obliterated with your decision.
I am so happy knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something with someone else. I will put you out of my mind and simply carry on. Until I hear about titsu, supernatural, shinee. Until my phone vibrates. Until that song comes on. Until I have to go to sleep. Until I fall apart and have to start all over again…