I thought I hated you…

I thought I hated you…

I thought I hated you…

LTME postYou stole me. You took away the person I was, my laugh that came so natural, my smile that felt so real, the glow that surrounded me and the confidence I oozed, all because I was in love. I was in movie love, you were my everything, I felt like I was in a Nicholas Sparks novel, you made me feel alive, I felt the love you gave me I really felt it. We danced to Ed Sheeren, we went on road trips laughing, singing and dancing the whole way, we cooked meals together kissing the whole time, you made me feel things sexually I never thought possible, we planned a future most of all Rhys we fell in what I thought was love.

For the first time in my life, I thought I’d found my soul mate. I wanted it to work so bad, I wanted the perfect future I thought we deserved. I wanted the future we talked about, that I thought we could have. You were extraordinary to me, I idolised you; I felt so lucky to have you.

Then you left, in the most awful and heart wrenching way. Learning that I was a ‘side girl’ or ‘the other woman’ was like somebody had stomped on my heart and crushed it. I felt like I was worth nothing, I cried all day every day, I blamed myself, I pushed my family and my friends away because I only wanted you, I prayed and hoped it wasn’t true, I dreamt of you every night. Then I got angry, so angry, how could you? Who did you think you was? I deserved more than this!,,

Still now, months on, I can’t see your name written down, I can’t listen to certain songs, I was out the other night and ‘that’ song came on; I cried like a baby in a full night club and I didn’t care, I can’t go to the restaurants we went too; not because you’ll be there but because I just see us together laughing over curry and wine, I can’t even attempt to look at a picture of us, I can’t sleep in the same bed we used too, I can’t talk about you, I can’t watch game of thrones, I can’t wear certain outfits, I gave the jewellery you brought me to my mom, I can’t smell your aftershave and of all these things of all the gut wrenching heart ache I’m thank full.

Rhys, I thank you. You showed me what real love is, how it feels, not from your part I know every thing you said and did was a lie, but I know I can love. That crazy love that takes over your world, it exists…. I never thought it did. I never thought I’d find somebody who I accepted, who I could accept there failures there imperfections and embrace them. Thank you for the compliments, for showing me how beautiful and sexy I am. Thank you for teaching me how to make peppercorn sauce…. It got me laid last week. Thank you for being the horrendous excuse of a man you are, I will never ever ignore my instincts or the people that love me again. Thank you for showing me what I should wait for, why have mediocre when you can have amazing.

I wish you all the best, I hope you see the error in your ways. I hope that your girlfriend sees you for who you are and how incredibly embracing it can be to forgive. Please don’t break another persons heart, they don’t deserve it, I promise you’ll feel better.

I can’t say I don’t love you, i think I will always have a little thread of love for you in my heart….. But I don’t want you, and that Rhys, feels incredible.

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