I’m a different person now

I’m a different person now

I’m a different person now

LTME postIt’s been almost 2 years since we spoke last. We’ve had a few words exchanged, but with us both being in relationships, I haven’t ever got anything off my chest in fear of hurting our significant other’s feelings. Now I can do that. I know you’ll never see this, but I’m okay with that. Let’s pretend you will.
I’d like to say this…We we’re absolutely not mean’t for each other at all. I’ve never butt heads with another person so hard before. We are total opposites. Whatever I love, you hate. And that’s completely okay, we are just two completely different people. But despite that, I was completely in love with you. To me, you could do no wrong. You were so perfect in my eyes. I loved you with all I had. I went out of my way to prove it to you every single day. I’d write you notes and draw you pictures all the time. You kept them all in a shoebox and hung my pictures on your wall. I’d come see you every single night, just because you wanted to see me and spend time with me. I loved watching movies with you. I would lay there and just admire how wonderful you were, I couldn’t imagine spending that time with anyone else. It was so perfect to me. Even though we argued, it was always gonna be okay. We’d get through it. We always did. I’d wait for you everyday before school started, I’d bring you breakfast every morning. One morning you threw the food at me in front of the entire cafeteria. But it’s okay…things would change. They always got better. I loved going and listening to you practice with your band. Your music was so great, and you were so passionate.. I could see it in your eyes. I just don’t understand why you held me up by my neck in the room that one time, I could see the anger in your eyes. But it got better. I changed for you so I wouldn’t make you mad again. I saw your eyes wander when that girl watched you play. I knew I had to be better for you. So I was. I did everything you wanted me to. Remember that one time when I was walking up the hill with you and I almost passed out because I’d been taking so many diet pills and wasn’t eating? I just wanted to be skinny for you. You told me I was two times the size of your ex. I just wanted to be beautiful for you. We spent almost 3 years together and I fell in love with you more and more everyday, despite our problems. You always cried and apologized and we hugged..I’d get butterflies everytime. I knew you loved me. It wasn’t your fault you didn’t have a mom to show you right from wrong. You even called me mom sometimes because I loved to take care of you. We would often go into your bathroom to have sex..I didn’t ever really want to but I knew you’d get mad at me if we didn’t. It was in that same bathroom that I sat curled up in the corner as you raised your fist to hit me. But you didn’t. It’s only abuse if he lays his hands on your right? Isn’t it?….But you choked me one night and I almost passed out..does that count? Surely it does.. But it was just a one time thing. You said you’d never do it again. And you can’t be raped by your boyfriend right? It doesn’t count…I mean yeah I was crying and told you I didn’t want to go down on you but you made me, you told me I’d have to go stand in the rain and wait for a ride if I didn’t…I was just so confused, you left me so confused. And after years of thinking, I knew it was time for me to leave. And I did. I couldn’t take it anymore. I loved you so much though. And you loved me. It was just strange that even though I’d obeyed your wishes of not talking to any other guys all throughout high school (and I thought for 3 years you’d done the same) you had a girlfriend 2 grades below us not even 2 days later..And I don’t understand why she says you all have been in a relationship for 3 years when we only broke up 2 years ago. Was everything a lie? I want you to know that I am a different person now. I won’t tolerate abuse and I know what you did to me was abuse. I don’t talk to anyone about it. But I will never let anyone treat me like that again. You didn’t love me. You treated me like that because I allowed it. Because I thought you loved me. I know I am stronger than that, I am better than you, I am happy with my life now. I have friends, I have a boyfriend who treats me like a queen..But I still do think of you. I have so many questions. But they will go unanswered. Because I am building a new life for me. I hope that you can do the same.

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