So, theres like 20 million ways that i could tell you that i miss you, & there are 20 millions way that i could tell you im sorry, there are 30 million ways for me to tell you i need you but there are infinite ways that i can tell you i love you. I ve always been an all or nothing type of girl, i mean you know that becasue thats how I fell in love with you , I always gave it my all, always jumped heart first into our situation, I never would ever think about giving up on you , on us ! But over the past year or so my faith has wavered, i stopped thinking with my heart becasuse i started to run away from it. I know that what i did was bad, I know that i hurt you and that you feel that you cant forgive me, and that you cant love me, you feel like we have reached the point of no return. But in all reality in life, there is no point that we cant return from. I have gone through situations with you that i look back now and think wow you know we have out each other through alot and we have always been able to over come it, we have always been able to bounce back from whatever it is that was causing friction between us. Not being with you is like being seperated from a part of myself. I been searching and searching for something anything anyone to fill that hole but somehow i always come up short, I always come up empty handed, I always come back feeling worst because i know who i need to fill this gaping hole in my chest. Ive missed you everyday since we broke up, Ive tried to find ways to keep busy, tried to find people to keep me busy, but i feel empty, i dont feel happy, i just feel like im forever searching for you in other people. I used to look for ways to feel close to you, I would speak to your cousin and ask about you, speak to zahh just because she reminds me of you, her personality and her big heart like yours, i love to be around your family and your mom becasue i see so much of you in them and of course because i love them. But I made a mistake a very big mistake that i regret with my whole heart, even tho everything didnt go down the way it was told to you, but i was still in that position and thats just as bad. but im sincerely sorry for it, I have no other way to express how sorry I am, becasue im the ruiner i ruined everything just when our lives together where really starting to move along. Im sorry that all those years ago i let myself be consumed with so much insecurity and so much pain that i would even think about doing someting like what i did to you or to anyone for that matter. You just have to understand, i mean for me just try, but It had been years of tug a war between me and you and jada, like that whole ordeal just ripped me apart, just made me look at myself differnt and made me look at you different from the beginning of our relationship to the black and white parts where we werent really together and to the middle. Just bare with me try to see it from my point of view. Sure in the begining you chose to be with me first, but through out that i was still playing tug o war with jada for you because lets face she was always a problem when it come to me and you ( i love her now tho) but yea she was always an obstacle when it came to me and you, Then came my parents who didnt want us together and so on, but there was always someone in the way and you played around alot when it came to me, theres was always some sort of competition in the way when it came to you, I always fely the pressure that i needed to go above and beyond for you back then because we where still young and shit but i still loved you then like i did now so i soldiered on till you realized what i could be to you, but then that night you really hurt me, that night you where looking for jada but i was looking at you and yea of course im gonna try to get you any way that i thought that i could get you, so we had sex in the car and you left me in the car by myself and went loking for jada again, I felt as if you disposed of me like the condom that you threw out the car prior to us fucking in the back seat as if i didnt matter, becasuse letd face it i really didnt matter back then, you loved me but not enough to stop chasing after other females when i was ready to give you all you needed and more. Before and after the incident you didnt really see me, not really, until jada got pregnant and even after that, you where still entertaining other women, and i just stepped back and took it nd you always just expecyed me to, you always knew that i would nt go anywhere becasue i loved you and you ran with it for years, at least thats what i always thought. But you never acknowledged through out everything that i get hurt to that i have a heart to break to, no i always heard that it was my fault or we arent even together really your not my girlfriend & while i know that its not an excuse but sometimes people fuck up and lash out and hurt the people they love the most & im truly sorry for that kasiym i really am ! I always known that you where the one for me, every ther encounter with anothert male or any other kiss ive had with another person, any love ive felt for another pales in comparison when it come to what i still feel for you. I know that its been a long a time that we have even spoken or have reached out to eachother, but i cant imagine spending my life with another person, I cant imagine going through any ups and downs with any other person than you. I love you with my whole heart and not any less. lol i can imagine you reading this and rolling your eyes like typical zha, think she culd winme over with a love letter. But wether you think you would be able to give us another chance or not, there was just a couple things that i needed to get off my chest I know that it wouldnt be easy for us to start over again, Im not sure that you wokd even want to start over again with me after the hurt that ive brought to you but life is way to short for me to not go after the person that makes my days a little brighter and my smile a little bit wider.