I’m tired of this and tired of carrying you

I’m tired of this and tired of carrying you

I’m tired of this and tired of carrying you

LTME postDear Ex,

As you are reading this, it maybe days or months since I wrote this. I am writing this for you as I am finally feeling free, calm and accepted the fact this relationship is not going to work for both our issues to each other. I know you might not read this and throw this out. But, you never understood me and tried to understand me up until now you never had to.

All I want is the best for you, all I want is for you to figure your life out and at one point figure it out with me. I have been waiting patiently for you for 9 years which is more than patient. I have been working and compromising all my beliefs for you. Try to make myself better for you, take care of you and most of all wanted you to be happy. I accepted all of you the good, the bad and the ugly. I have been trying my best to work on my faults and till Mexico that was the only time I had to do it because you were not giving me what I need. All I wanted from you when the time comes, is a compromise, unconditional love, commitment and consideration. I don’t need a fancy car or house or kids. I just wanted to be with you and knew that you can provide if you wanted to. I loved you. I believed in you. I wanted you to see your future. All this time I was with you I was happy until you decided to go abroad by yourself without considering my need. Up to the time you read this I don’t think you understood me at all or my actions. Your love for me always had a condition. If you loved me with all your heart you would take my bad side and love me as me. You never did. You always were looking after your own self-interest and too scared to love fully. You always wanted me to compromise everything for you and make me fit my life to suit your needs and wants. Yes you gave me a life full of fun, giving on most other things, considered me a little bit but not a lot and compromised on somethings but on the big decisions and things that affect the relationship it was always me compromising.

When you got engaged with me I knew you were not ready. I knew you were not there. I knew that a long distance relationship will not work unless you aim to be together. I did not want to get married and the partner going abroad every time and not considering my basic need. I did not oppose to going abroad. You wanted me to go with you but I refused since you were meeting my basic need that is that a country that we can both work together and I can further my career and at that time I had a lot of debt to pay for. You left me hanging. You choose to go and we pursue this long distance relationship and you only asked for a year. I did not want to go there when you asked me it is because as you it is not in my moral code to go. It is hard to be left hanging not knowing what to do and what is the next step. You had a plan of x number of years working but you did not tell me what goes after that and what happens from there on or when we will be together to start our life. I have been waiting patiently for 9 years. I had to give you an ultimatum comeback June 2016 or I leave because you were not giving what I need. I did not want you to cut me off your life. I wanted you to figure out what is important to you and where I stand in your life. You have always given me crap for not choosing you first in my life. Yes it is true. Up to the point before you got engaged to me I had to choose family and when you put that ring I placed you first. I wanted you to choose me first and compromise with me. If you said to me Candace I really wanted to be with you but I am happy here then I will compromise my life again for you but you have to compromise with me on things. If you don’t know when you are getting back then I had to come to where you are even if it will hurt my family and my career. I need the security we will start our life together and what marriage commitment for me to throw my life here and follow you. An engagement ring does not cut it for a major commitment you are asking me. This kind of commitment needs marriage. As an engagement is a promise that can be broken.

In Mexico, that night I was stubborn because at that time I had asked you when you are coming back because I want to spend my life with you. I had to be that stubborn to get my answer. You never answered me you never wanted to answer me. I agree I hurt you that is just because you don’t understand how it is feel to be left hanging. I never did this to you all I did was compromise everything for your sake. Did you know how bad I wanted to go traveling for work but had to stay in here to consider your future? I wanted to go badly but I knew if I flew and did this it will leave you hanging or if you would do what you said you will do you will leave school to be with me. I have been waiting day in and day out until you can do so. Wishing in my cubicle to be free and traveling the world. But held back because of the responsibility and commitment to you. I was wishing that there was more to life than this cubicle.

You doubted me because your love for me always had a condition. You always placed this condition because you were scared. You always saw your own self-interest. That November, we you told me you were not sure if you wanted me as your wife or a friend, I tried to convince you are making a mistake to let me go. I did the plan you asked as thinking this is what I think it will be like for me to see the future but you never understood that what I see is not concrete it is subjected to change depending on what you wanted. You never knew what you wanted and I had to make it for you. You never saw beyond a day. You had a hard time choosing and when I finally asked a friend I realized you are depressed and having a quarter life crisis. That day I let you go I wanted you to seek help, not because it was for me it was for you but I can’t force you. I got so frustrated I called it off. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting I couldn’t take it anymore you couldn’t compromise with me. This is the only time I gave you crap about considering me in your life and fit me in and you failed me. If I gave you more time would you have chosen me? I don’t know the answer. I talked to my friend that day. He said I should have been patient but waiting for 9 years patient enough. I know I am ruled by emotions and I knew I messed up that day but it seemed like the right thing to do as you are not fulfilling my need. As the days went by I realized that I need to get you back I begged and begged until I had the last straw. I loved you. I loved you with all my heart. You always wanted me to love you without condition but your love for me had conditions because you are scared. You are scared that you will end up the same as your parents. You are scared to love fully because you are trying to shield yourself from heartache. You only considered yourself and never were attentive to my basic need. You wanted to go there because you are afraid of facing life as an adult. You were scared to come back because you think I need is the money but the truth is I need you with me. You are scared to come back because you are too scared to be happy. You are happy there because you are needed and scared to conquer North America because you wanted to feel needed. I can’t blame you but to be honest, I needed you. You like it there for the first time in your life you feel like your ego and self-esteem is being fulfilled because you are the best on what they can get. You are scared to face the fact that some of the things I said was true. You are scared and due to that you place a lot of ridiculously high standard on me. If you did love me without conditions, you will know I would made it work and you would compromise with me.

I finally saw you for who you are that December day and in my mind made the right choice. You will never love me the way I deserve to be treated. You hurt me badly that day and you were an insensitive person and you don’t know how difficult you are. You never wanted to give me a last chance and put it in my face that you will be dating 2 persons at the same time and there are 20 more to choose from and they are from your work, you even told me you will post it all and made me feel like I am the most horrible person in the world because I cut you off my life. It made sense to me that you will never place me first, never love me without conditions, you are scared of making yourself happy with a life with me, you are selfish in some ways, you only see your needs and wants, and your pride always rule and fundamentally you never got over your parents’ divorce. In all of this all I wanted is a compromise and consideration from you and to love me unconditionally. Is a compromise, unconditional love, commitment and consideration even that hard? You are very hurtful to me. That day I decided to return most of the stuff that you gave me not because I did not listen to your request but more as statement. I decided that if returning stuff will make you feel how hurt I am you are to me then that is all I can do. The stuff I kept is pawned off and money went to charity.

After that day I decided that I bother you anymore and your family till I decide to message you. I decided I will let you be and stop asking you for that chance to redeem the past relationship. It is your life now. I have blocked you off with all social media and removed all your family and friends. I am going to live my life now, work on my faults and mistakes and learn from this. But to be frank with you, your issues with me though big in your eyes are incomparable to my issues with you. My issue is that you never compromise on big issues, love me unconditionally, commit to me forever and consider me. If you did, you would have made it work with me. I gave this relationship my best and did everything I could.

I give up. I am tired of this. I am tired of carrying you. I am tired of always the one being a punching bag. You don’t know who hard you made it for me. I always had to fight you on something to get your respect and consider me. You don’t know how it pained me to hurt my folks, compromise on some of my beliefs and be stifled in waiting for you. I loved you that I was willing to wait. You probably tired of some of my antics but that does not compare to what you have given me. You probably think I did not support you enough, you probably think I am not patient enough, you think I don’t listen and consider you, you probably think I am stubborn and easily to get angry and don’t handle stress very well. It is true for some cases and I was working on it. Here is what I think I really did that you don’t see just because you got used to it:

I did not support you enough: What kind of support do you need, I waited for you and supported you through post-secondary with all the emotional stuff. One time I was having issues at work in 2012 and could not respond to you the way you wanted, we took a break because you think I did not support you. I tried helping you with your resume but don’t want the help and wanted me to write it for you. That is not support that is enabling. You wanted me to support you on your bitcoin but I did not have the cash. You told me $20 is some support but I did the best of what I got and was there for emotional support. You decided to leave for work, I decided to let you go even I did not want to and you never listened to me. I told you what I think is going on because it is clear on the other side but you don’t see it. I know it is hard to live your life without power and such. You don’t understand that I have been in that life. I have seen it I have lived it. I have lived in a third world country and it is not easy. I did not want to go there for only a year without commitment.
Not patient enough: I have been patient. I have waited 9 years to for you to live our life together is that not patient? What patience do you want?
I don’t listen and consider you: I have been listening to you and considering you all the relationship. I have been anticipating all your need and I have considered your feelings and want and needs. I have listened to you all those time you wanted to be there. You told me 3 and the 4 years. I have questions that are usually asked when engaged it is when, why, where and how. You never answered. I had to put stresses and give you an ultimatum for you to answer my basic questions. Those questions are always what will be asked when you get proposed to or if you ask me to live my life with you or just any assurance that will make me secure or consider me. I have been even now I am still considering your future even you hurt me so badly.
I am stubborn: Yes, I am stubborn. There are case where I have to be. Some of your wishes and antics I had to fight you because I had to make sure that when we are bf and gf that I leave space for me and my dignity. As soon as I got engaged, I had to switch the stubbornness to what is needed for the relationship to survive.
Easily to get angry: This is true because some of your actions make me angry because you never considered me. I am angry at somethings I cannot control and frustrated because I have been waiting for so long.
Don’t handle stress very well: Yes there are cases where I don’t handle it very well because I am scared. I know the car thing is a big thing for you but that stress is different that you need for a relationship. Don’t tell me I did not handle stress very well this entire relationship you have put me under a lot of stress to compromise, consider and fit you into my life. The stress that you gave me about the money at western union I did not handle it well to your point of view is because I gave you crap. It is not that I can’t handle it, I don’t want to lose your hard earned money. What did you want me to do just do it without asking questions? I can’t forgive myself if lost it or got mugged by someone. No, you can’t handle the stress I placed you. You couldn’t handle it because this stress that I gave you is a compromise test for the viability of the relationship in the future. Up till now you didn’t have to do it. I was always doing it. Always deciding. Always compromising.

Like I said your issue with me is incomparable as I know I am close to what you are looking for. Most of the stuff I did for you were thoughtful, considerate, compromising, sweet, loving, listened to what you needed and wanted and anticipatory. You will have a hard time finding a replacement for me I know that for a fact and if you do I hope you love her unconditionally.

My friend helped me a lot and he is wise beyond his years and helped me decipher what is in between and what a real relationship is all about. Ours was always is always the sacrificial. Me sacrificing the big stuff and you always taking. The major things I need from you is a compromise, unconditional love and consideration and you never gave it. Because all of this, compromise, unconditional love and consideration, is needed for a marriage to survive like your favorite quote, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not.” Did I not meet that? Now from the same quote did you all meet that? You are possibly blaming me for this as I know you well enough and you probably have not realized all I have done for you. I am letting you be. If this makes you realize something then that is good. I am tired of this and not being appreciated.

I hope your dating process is going well, but knowing you this is just a cover to hide your pain and anger. If you did find the one there, I hope she is the perfect person and I hope you remembered what you told me years ago “I am glad I meet you in here because if I meet you elsewhere I might only think you are after me to get to North America”. Please seriously consider your position there, the ladies that are after you may not be looking for love but a way out of there and if they are looking for love you are lucky.

Also, please take a step back and think of you overall goal. If your goal is to find something meaningful in your life, then what is meaningful to you now in your current life? If it is teaching and helping kids, please take a step back and see that you can still do that but do your life properly. You will find that the more years you go without the proper certifications you will have a hard time moving on if you want to move to different countries. Unless you want to be like your friends with no solid career but just jobs.

To be honest, my dream was to be able to finds something meaningful in my life and the life of adventure and travel. I had to wait for you for me to do that but it is all for a loss. But you couldn’t wait for me. I would really have moved with you if you just considered my need at the time you asked me.

I know this does not make a difference now I just need you to know what is going through my head as you never understood me or bother understanding me. I don’t think you will ever have known this until I point it out all to you as you got so used to it. Also if you never learn this you will make the same mistakes on your next relationship. You sometimes you have your head too far up your ass to see it. You are always taking the easy way out. I am not saying it is not easy to live there. I am saying this because you never had to struggle in life. Struggle to live, struggle to fight for your place and struggle to aim for the best as me my friends and all that understand my side.

This was my one major test for you and you couldn’t handle it properly a marriage is not going to work if you can’t even pass this one. For the entire relationship I made it easy for you to be with me. You made it hard for me, made me struggle and gave me a lot of crap that I endured. All I want from you are compromises, unconditional love, commitment and consideration. You don’t deserve the unconditional love I gave you up to this point. I just wanted the best for you and what I assumed what you want in the future. Like I said above the plan I gave you is not concrete or made of stone but a guide on what I see. It can be changed if what you want is different and that is what a marriage is. Compromises.

I am really tired. I really am. I am really tired on how you are treating me up to this point. You are doing a good job there. I am sorry for saying all the mean things. I have accepted that this relationship failed. All I wanted was for you to know this my side and you truly knowing the other side to the coin. Because until now, it is always about you never about me.

I refuse to be your friend now as I just don’t want to be an option and wont want to be your friend in the future. I am wiser than that. I know my worth. I will not contact you and I hope you don’t crash and burn in the end. Dating coworkers are never a good idea.

I moving on and will live a life now of what I have been itching for years but couldn’t do it because I had to consider all your wants and needs.

Good Luck and hope you don’t regret this later.

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