Dear best friend,
First off, I just want to let you know how much you truly did, do, and probably always will love you. You were my first in many ways, and you taught me so much. You were the first man I ever brought around my daughter, and let her get to know as a man that I love. You’re the one who has taught me quirky little life skills that I will carry with me forever, and every time I practice them, I will think of you- like how to guesstimate what may be wrong with a car, just by the sound. Or how you put water in the pan to melt cheese on burgers so they wouldn’t be overdone, because I never melt the cheese right (lol). I will never forget waking up in the morning to you watching old cartoons with my little girl so I could sleep in, or when we took her for her first real nature walk. I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight than you and my daughter.Whether it be playing, sleeping, you teaching her, or simply watching something together, it takes my breath away every time. I am so grateful you came into her life, and at least gave her a glimpse of what having a father is. I will always cherish our late night smoke sessions together, just talking about the world, and finding out about your hardships in life, and what’s made you become the beautiful person that you are. You’ve opened my mind, and brightened my view on so many things. There are so many amazing memories that I will never forget, and I hope you won’t either. You were the first man that had opened my eyes to the possibility of getting married, even if you really don’t believe in it. I always thought marriage was pointless, stupid, nothing more than a piece of paper, and a waste of money. Until I fell completely and madly in love with you. I could envision us being together at an old age; retired, in our comfy home, kids all grown up, just enjoying each other’s company like we do. I wanted that. I could feel it, because I didn’t know a love like this could exist.
Things have been iffy for a while, I’ve been hurting, and I know you have as well. I told you that I wouldn’t bother you anymore, it’s just so hard. You’re the one I go to for everything. You are who I share my good news with, and who I console in my darkest moments. You are my rock, my love, my god send, my best friend. I don’t know what, why or where things went wrong, I just know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I’m not sure if you care anymore, because you’ve been noticeably distant for a while now. When I wrote you my last letter, you had nothing to say. Not one sentence. Still, you’ve barely spoken to me. Not an, “are you okay?” No “I miss you.” Not even so much as a, “hi.” It hurts, it really does. Because I always feel I’m the one chasing you, like I’m expected to chase you. When I get insecure or doubtful of your feelings, and I distance myself, you just let me go. I wish that you had fight left in you for me, but it’s clear that ship has sailed.
I have put my everything in to you. I have changed many aspects of myself to try and please you, and make your life easier, but it usually goes unnoticed. I feel so invisible. It’s a crippling feeling I hope I have never given you, because I would never wish that on you. I love you so much, it’s literally killing me to write this. I never thought I would be writing this, at least I hoped I wouldn’t have to. I wish you could see things through my eyes, and understand where i’m coming from on things. I didn’t nag and complain all the time to be a bitch. It’s because you have SUCH potential in EVERYTHING you do. You are perfect to me, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
-In a different light:
You hurt me. You’ve repeatedly smashed my heart time and time again. I ask very little of you, and what I do ask, I ask you to change or do differently because the current way it is being carried out hurts me. You can say you love me all you want. You don’t. You have no respect for me, and because of that, now none of yours or my peers treat me with respect. I am looked at as a joke by everyone in our lives. This was not a letter begging for you back. This was my last goodbye. I can’t continue to let myself be put down by you, or anyone else. I need to focus on me, and my daughter, because you are obviously your main focus, and there’s no shame in that. That’s the way it should be, I just wish I could’ve had a little bit of the focus on me, and us.
Last time, we separated for a few days, you instantly hit up your ex with no hesitation. I should have put an end to this then. I didn’t though, because.. I love you. I wanted and wished and hoped and prayed that we would be able to work it out, but like I have said before said, I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I wouldn’t want to make you love me. I guess I was just trying to rekindle something that had already been doused out. I am sorry for any misery I have caused you, but try seeing it thru my eyes. It’s not fair that I have to sit here on the other side of this screen bawling my eyes out, not wanting this letter to end. Because it will probably be the last time you personally hear from me. And you get to sit with your friends, not a worry in the world, and probably not even a second thought of me. It scares me, letting go, it really does. You have been such a huge part of my life, and it doesn’t feel right. You were my shoulder to cry on, my teddy bear to cuddle, the calm to my storm. I don’t know if it will ever feel right, or okay, but I have to keep telling myself it will be. Life without you is going to feel empty, for a long time, but I will get through this stronger and wiser than ever. You taught me so much, but the best thing I think you’ve taught me, is to love myself. ‘Cause I’m the only one who really can.
So this is me, saying goodbye. I wish I could be the one standing next to you, smiling, holding your hands, once you get where you’re going, because you’re going to do great things in life. I know it. Unfortunately, it seems life has different plans for us. I wish nothing, but the absolute best for you, you deserve it. I love you, Samuel. I always will. Goodnight, and farewell, best friend. 💜