Almost 30 days have passed since I found out that you loved someone else.
The thoughts have taken a toll on me physically. I have lost weight. My focus right now is the future but I just feel like I am floating through the days.
I still think about you. But these are not fond memories anymore. I think of how you held her tight in the pic. How the two of you were smiling from ear to ear…hopeless in love. My heart sinks everytime I am reminded of that picture. It is what brought my world crushing down because you chose her. She took you away from me and there is nothing I can do because you accepted her. I had you in my arms then she took you. I have to deal with it everyday until one day it is forgotten. Now when I think of you I do not dream up castles in the air about the possibilities of a future with you. When I think of you my eyes sting and my heart drops. Because you are now synonymous to that picture.
You leaving meant I had to figure out who I was without you. How to face a future where you are not there. It made me question a lot of things but most of all it made me question myself.
What is wrong with me? Why don’t they choose me? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not sweet or funny or fun to hang around? Am I not stable in my life?
We had a candid discussion about this. You told me how you felt about me but I cannot forget the reasons you gave for choosing her. That is because they were not reasons rather answers to fill the gap and make me hurt less. You chose her because that is who your heart wanted. Despite her being in your life 5 years less than me…you chose her because she matched what you are looking for. And simply put…I was not it.
Every day after that I came home to emptiness, nothingness…I could not call you, I could not text you. You belonged to someone else now. I regretted not taking the risk to tell you how I sincerely felt. I should have just taken the leap of faith and tabled how I really feel. How I only pictured you in my future. But I guess I was too late, you had your doubts about me and I never did anything to silence them.
I am now constantly trying to evade my conscience. It will not leave me in peace. It waits for just when I have gathered the pieces of my heart you shattered and I am about to piece them back together. Then it reminds me that you chose her. And I am back to zero.
You chose her despite her now being overseas in studies. You chose to wait for her. 2 years. You made the conscious decision to wait for her while she completes her studies.
You decided to make every effort to diminish the distance between the two of you because you love her….that is how much you love her.
I am only few kilometers from you but your heart did not choose mine….that’s how much you love her.
You are now focused on her, you put her on your profiles, loving on her and being awed by her being.
Yet here I am counting days since I last spoke to you. Breaking apart and mending myself day in day out. Floating through it all wondering if I will ever be loved. Feel pushed to a dark corner all by myself…feeling rejected, betrayed and abandoned.
Yet here I am.