I need to move on already!

I need to move on already!

I need to move on already!

LTME-postIt’s ridiculous how you still effect me. We were in a dramatic relationship, on and off and on and off, for about a year. 1 year of you cheating on me and saying I would never be everything you wanted. 1 year of me being madly and hopelessly in love with you, always hoping for the same in return. And when it ended, it took me YEARS to get over you. Every few years you would check in and tell me how happy you are with someone new. How wonderful they are. And I always wondered why I was never that wonderful.

Fast forward 17 years later. 17 FREAKIN YEARS! 3 kids, a wonderful husband, a perfect life and 17 long years. Stupid Facebook. I wish I knew how a stupid “hey! How’s it going?” can turn me back into that love struck 17 year old girl who can never be good enough for you. You tell me I’m the one who got away but then there’s no follow through. You tell me you always loved me but my old diaries show how much you cheated and lied to me. What’s the point of this? Why do you continue to drag my heart through the mud. And why does my heart even care?!

I’m happily married, successful, confident, a great mom, and totally happy with my life. Then I talk to you and I fall apart. What is your hold on me?! And can you please just let it go. We speak every few years for a few weeks (hi, drama, bye) and then it takes me YEARS to get over you again. I truly want to believe I’m “the one who got away” for you but I know deep down I can’t be given your behavior towards me. What’s the point of tell me that if you don’t mean it??

I’m happily married and would never leave or cheat on my husband. He’s a perfect man, a wonderful father, and everything I could ever want. My wish is that whatever voodoo hold you have on my heart you would let go and let me be. We can be friends but without all the drama and emotions. Damn, I wish I could let you go.

3 Comments

  1. Andrea 8 months ago

    I am “trying” to divorce a man who, I know now, will never let me go. I know how you feel. This man branded you as his long ago and will always see you an option. Be kind to yourself over getting caught up again, you are only doing what selfless, open, giving people do. You have an inner wound, possibly from childhood, that this man is tapping into. An unmet need. Identify it and you will see where your soul tie to him lies. You are too valuable and satisfying to him, but only when he needs what you give him. He will not let you go. And appealing to him for mercy only feeds the validation that he cannot give himself. But you are stronger than he is and you have the ability to heal and free yourself. There is no shame in being kind, trusting and loving. Please do not feel shame or guilt that you did not earn. Tap into the beautiful strength that his tranferred shame is covering up and release yourself from someone who sees your worth as something he can harvest at will. The pain this causes you is collateral damage to him. I know that its difficult to imagine all of this being a reality. You are not alone in this struggle, I promise.

  2. Mel 7 months ago

    I’m in this situation minus the kids and everything and only 2 years into the whole “getting over him” fase. I feel like I’m reading a letter from my future self and sure hope it will be over before 15 years pass. I hope his hold on you dissapears and you can move on!

  3. Alias 7 months ago

    Comment from the original poster:
    Here’s the kicker…
    So this guy would pop back into my life every few years for a few weeks, make a mess in my life and then leave again. This last “pop in” was his last. We spoke for a few days, he told me (yet again) that I was the only one for him, he was unhappy in his marriage, and he wanted to be with me. I told him no, I’m happily married and he never treated me kindly. Then, he killed himself. It was his final way to screw with my head. I was the last person he talked to before killing himself. This guy was a mind f*#k to me for 17 years.

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