So I’m sure you won’t see this cuz you blocked me so I’m sending this just to vent because I actually hate you and you disgust me and I really want to let go of past grudges. I honestly think you’re emotional you become a terrible person and you just act recklessly without thinking about how others around you are affected. I want to start with what happened October through December because you actually destroyed me. I was depressed and I actually was gonna kill myself, pills in my hands and everything. And honestly the only time I’ve ever felt that way before was summer (but not that bad). Anyways you said that you never expected to go that far. That you just wanted to be friends but we both know that’s bullshit. You came back into my life abruptly with the “I love yous” consistently saying you want to get back together with me and FaceTiming me daily. You also told me some shit about how you couldn’t stop thinking about me when you were with your last girlfriend. You can’t claim you didn’t know what you were doing because trust me everyone knew. And you know what really sucked about that? I actually had someone in my life then. We weren’t dating but it was getting to that point. And I literally left him so I could continue to talk to you. And that there was not your fault. It my lapse of judgment. I just so intrigued by the familiar that I knocked down new experiences. Anyways as time goes on I fall further into your trap. We fucked…a lot. You told me you loved me…a lot. And you made so many promises. And it seemed great…except it wasn’t. The entire time there were red flags that I stupidly chose to ignore. You snuck me around and were so secretive. You got pissed at me for things I did with other people. And you did that thing I always hated. You ignored me. And I just made excuses for you like I always did but I always thought I was just a filler. You know? That girl you date till you find someone better. Cuz you and me both know that you literally cannot be single. You have to always have some girl by your side. I addressed my worries to you and you told me that my worries were exactly that. Just worries. That you wanted me in your life in the long run. But part of me knew that was just pure fuckery. So I became insecure and started acting such. And I do apologize for that. It definitely wasn’t needed. So everything was as great as it could be in a complicated mess such as the one we found ourselves in. Until thanksgiving break. We made plans to hang out and bowl on Wednesday. That Wednesday morning you drove by my house to pick me up. You talked to my mom for a bit and it was all good until I said something you didn’t like. I didn’t know was what I did but you still decided the best response to that was ignoring me. And ignore me you did. You walked up and down the mall with that cold silence that was all too familiar to me until I was at the verge of tears. And when u noticed this you literally scolded me for embarrassing you. God literally no one has ever made me feel so much like shit. I tried to talk it out with you to figure out what I did wrong but you refused to tell me saying that I never changed and shit like that. I was so hurt and frustrated and confused but I kept pestering you until you gave me an answer. You didn’t like that I made fun of your dancing. Let me get this straight. I never knew you were insecure about that because for the year we dated prior, we always joked you weren’t the best dancer. And it’s not like you never joked about things that hurt me. Like when you continuously told me that the only reason I was in your league was because of makeup. Anyways after we got that all was great. We bowled and hung out for 3 more hours until I told you I had to go home. And everything was great. Thanksgiving came and you told me you were thankful I was in your life. Then you asked me to come over on Friday and Saturday but I couldn’t so we FaceTimed instead. On Sunday I eventually succumbed to your constant invites and I came over. We had sex and talked and all that jazz. You told me you loved me and that we were like “friend soulmates” or some shit like that. But then the mood changed. Somehow getting back together came up and you said we shouldn’t cuz we have too much passion and we fight too much and then you cited Wednesday as your proof. I was confused cuz Wednesday just consisted of you ignoring me but I pushed it aside. You loved me and I was beginning to develop those feelings for you again so I didn’t really care. We changed subjects and moved on. Eventually I wanted to pluck your eyebrows and prep and prime you. You fought it until it was agreed that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I sucked your dick. Like just typing this out makes me feel sick and disgusted. So I sucked your dick and shortly after your mom called you up. And since I was your dirty little secret I had to leave. But not before you swore on your life that I could do what you promised next time I come down from college. Plot twist it was all bullshit. I asked you about it and you were dismissive and rude. You told me only if we could find a day to hang which was dumb because all you do is lay down and watch Netflix for hours at a time. Eventually it turned into a fight and you told me this is why no one wants to be with me. Because I’m so annoyed and emotional. And I sat there in my dorm room feeling used and disgusted. I felt like an object. I couldn’t stop crying that day. I called almost everyone from my mom to my dormmate so I could feel comforted. But I didn’t. I felt so gross and manipulated and I couldn’t shake that feeling. So I did something dumb. I basically subtweeted you. No one else knew it was about you except for you and me. And it hurt you exactly the way I wanted it to hurt you and it made me feel great. It was immature, I agree and I apologize for that as well but in that moment I wanted you to feel the pain that you made me feel. Regardless I called you the next day and apologized and I told you I couldn’t be friends with you and you agreed. You said maybe in the future we could become something but obviously right now we couldn’t. So for two days we didn’t talk excluding the occasional streak message. Until you started Snapchatting me again. At first I was confused but I just went along with it. In a couple days we were snapchatting constantly like we were the week before. You would send me goodluck messages for my finals and when I had to drive home from college you told me have a safe trip. All was decent again until it wasn’t. Earlier that summer I was told I had a tumor in my thyroid and I would keep putting off my appointment to get an ultrasound. Eventually my doctor called and I was trapped so I made an appointment for Tuesday. I starting panicking cuz who wouldn’t if they found out they could possibly have cancer. The only thing I ever found comfort in, you had it, so I asked for it back. But 24 hours went by and you still hadn’t answered me. You sent me snaps and other shit. But there was no response. So I texted you again. And again. You told me to stop being dramatic cuz you were busy. So I texted again and called and left voicemails panicking while doing so. You told me that me getting my book back wasn’t important so I sent more shit until I told you about my ultrasound (which only one of my friends knew about). You saw the word ultrasound and suddenly you were responsive, assume that I was pregnant. Cuz now that it involved you, it actually mattered I guess? I had to tell you something deeply personal to get you to calm down and your first response to finding out about the potentially cancerous tumor in my neck was “at least we’re not pregnant”. Well eventually I get my book back and that was a whole adventure in itself that I don’t want to get into. So the day of my ultrasound you ask me how it went so I told you and you asked me to keep you updated. By the time I got my result I was already in a deeply depressive state and I stopped giving shit about life. I just lied to my mom and said they were good. When you asked me, I told you the truth. You asked what was wrong and I told you that I don’t care about life anymore and that I was depressed. You told me I was stupid. Ya. That fucking hurt. Like a lot. That was the day I find myself crying my eyes out on the bathroom floor with pills in one hand and my phone in the other. I dialed the suicide hotline and that didn’t help because after 3 minutes I was still on hold. So I called my mom. I was crying so hard I was barely coherent. I just felt so worthless. When the person who once told you he loved you more than his mom tells you that your depression is stupid, it kind of takes a toll on you. But thank god I got help. But if I’m gonna be honest, the only reason I didn’t swallow those pills that day is because it was so close to Christmas and I didn’t want my death to be associated with the “happiest time of the year” for my family. So I decide to get help. A week later, on a Tuesday, you try to contact me cuz you think I’m pregnant or something dumb like that. This time I ignore you. But the messages just kept on coming and then eventually the phone calls, which was extremely annoying cuz I was with my friends. Eventually I answer and tell you that I’m not pregnant and then I confront you about what you said the week prior. You apologized and said you love me and you care about me and talked about how broken up you’d be if I died. Then you tell me you’d be there for me if I needed someone. So Thursday we talk and it was nice. Then you apologized for being so busy because you were hanging out with friends. Saturday I see a chick on your story and it kinda hurt because I’m not gonna lie, I loved you as well. So I decide instead of jumping to conclusions or trying to snoop, because both of those methods hurt us in the past, I’d straight up ask you. Little did I know that all hell would break loose. You called me, and I picked up the phone expecting a yes or no answer and I was greeted with the hostility of your voice. You accused me of ending your relationship with that girl by texting you constantly. A relationship I didn’t even know existed. I was so confused because four days prior you were telling me you still loved me. Hurt and confused I tried to defend myself but the insults kept coming and then you accused me of faking my pregnancy. Like okay cool I guess. After that I was done. For good. You told me that being on good terms with me was too hard and we’d try again in a year and I told you no I don’t want to be friends with you. But you ignored me continuing on about how we could be friends in a year. Then you said talk to you later. A phrase that was all too familiar. The phrase you used the first time we ended things for good over the summer. And I realized even if we did block each other on everything you would come back and this shit would start all over again. And I mean this with the outmost respect because I love this woman and she has treated me with nothing but love and respect, but I don’t want to be your mom. I don’t want to be trapped in an abusive cycle I can’t escape. I hate being so sad I feel like my life means nothing because it does mean something. So no I do not want to be friends with you and no I will not talk to you later because you are not allowed back into my life.
Letting go of the past