Just so you know

Just so you know

Just so you know

LTME-postYou were my first love. You changed the color of my world and filled my life with feelings of unexplainable happiness and joy. You made me feel complete. Ever since that day at Starbucks, I started falling in love with you. I had never felt that before, and it was terrifying. It made me feel vulnerable, unsure, and took away all the certainty and comfort from the single life I had known for my entire life. I was beginning a new chapter of my life, and I couldn’t have picked a better person to have done it with. You were my first New Year’s kiss, my first Valentine, my first boyfriend. You made me dizzy with love; it all happened so fast for me it almost didn’t seem real. I was infatuated, and I couldn’t believe I was actually giving someone the chance to break my heart – for real this time. Nobody had managed to get past that barrier that was put so high, protecting myself from what I have now experienced as one of the worst pains a person can feel.
I cannot put into words the gripping, heart-wrenching pain that has taken over me these past few days. I thought it would be much less. How wrong was I. I had already had previews of that pain, with things you said or did (whether they were unintentional – I’m sure they were), that hurt me. I felt like you were trying to change essential parts of me that make me, well, me. I didn’t feel like I could be exactly myself when I was around you. I tried to ignore that and tell myself that it was my fault, or that it would pass, and made excuses for you: oh he didn’t mean it, he’ll get over it eventually, one day he’ll change, any guy would react like that, I have to keep quiet, etc. I thought I could live with it, but I was beginning to realize that maybe that wasn’t going to be possible. I knew you loved me more than anything and wouldn’t want to hurt me, but more and more it seemed like that “I’ll never hurt you” promise you made me at the very beginning was starting to fade. Reality sucks. Hard. And, even though I didn’t want to, I started questioning the future of our relationship.

That Friday afternoon, although I had a bad feeling as I drove to you, what happened between us took me by surprise. I just didn’t expect it would come to a dead end so soon. You made me feel like we would last ages, with your beautiful Valentine’s message, and all the “many mores” you told me. We talked about the future so casually and part of me was actually starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was a future for us. I was too blinded by the intensity of the emotions I was feeling to realize that it just wasn’t gonna work in the end. I cried all day Thursday, before talking with you at night. I was stressed, and in pain, I didn’t eat, and I felt a little helpless and confused because on one hand, you made me feel so special (more at the beginning), and on the other hand you made me feel terrible about myself and my interests. Feeling loved is one of the best and most addictive feelings in the world. Sometimes, we are willing to sacrifice certain parts of ourselves as a small price to pay to get that beautiful feeling that I will never forget. Friday, Saturday, and today, I’ve been in tears and near-crippling pain, though I’ve been able to make myself feel okay sporadically with the help of distractions, friends, and lots of dark chocolate and fruits (my ultimate comfort foods). I know I’ll be okay, and I hope you’re doing okay too. We’ll be okay.

I know that you and I will both find somebody else that will make us immensely happy. It’s gonna hurt, but it’s part of life. I know you’ll find someone whom you’ll make the happiest woman in the world. Part of me wants to be her. Part of me wants to keep you in my life for longer. Part of me doesn’t want to accept that this is the end. But it got to a point where us being together was doing me more harm than good. We’re just too different. You’re such a sweet, loving, and caring guy that any girl would be incredibly lucky to have. I know I was. Although I knew it, wherever we went, people would tell me “wow, you really hit the lottery with this guy; “es un chavazo”; you’re so lucky,” and it just reaffirmed what I already knew. I was the luckiest girl in the room wherever we went, and that will never change. I was so lucky to have had my first love experience with you. I learned so much about myself and about life and relationships in general – even though ours was cut a bit short. And I will carry those lessons with me for the rest of my life. I don’t regret a single moment with you, and I want you to know that. I loved you fully, with no holding back, with my heart as open as can be. Even though it took me a while to open up, it soon felt natural and right. I want you to know how much you meant to me, and that I will never stop caring about you, even though you broke my heart. I’m sure I broke yours too, and for that I am sorry. Although part of me wishes things would’ve gone differently, deep down I know this had to happen. We couldn’t keep hurting each other like we did, and you made the incredibly mature decision to end things. It wasn’t because you didn’t love me anymore, but out of selfless love for me, knowing that this relationship was no longer helping me grow as a person, and was beginning to harm me. You promised me you’d do that since the beginning, and you kept your word. I can’t imagine it was an easy decision for you, and I know one day I will thank you for it. Things will get better for both of us, and we will heal.

I miss you. So much. I didn’t expect to miss you this much but I do. Tears fall down my face as I write this, and I can’t with this feeling of loss and pain that feels like it’s never going away. It will one day. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not even next month. But eventually it will pass. I miss having you around, your laugh, caressing your hair, holding your hand, staring into your beautiful eyes, the way you smelled, the way you towered over me and kissed the top of my head; I miss cuddling with you and the way you kissed me. I got so addicted to those feelings it’s tough imagining what it’s like without them. What it’s like to not text you all the time, to invite you over, our Friday mornings together, and just spending time with you. You were exactly what I needed. And I want to thank you for everything you gave me, and for choosing me. You are so special, never forget that. You deserve the world. Thank you for giving me this beautiful and bittersweet experience. Thank you for loving me like you did.

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