Lisa, it’s not getting any better

Lisa, it’s not getting any better

Lisa, it’s not getting any better

LTME-postLisa,

I keep hoping, thinking that at some point my thoughts and feelings for you will wither and die. Hasn’t happened yet. Most likely, it’s because I still think of you and wander into your own world of words (your blog), or into what has been written and said over the past 9 years. It’s been 7 years since you pulled the plug and yet, I can’t get over you. I know you’ve moved on, gotten married, and are happy now. That’s good- I’d hate for both of us to be miserable. Your Lost Words come back to me, time and time again. I could probably close my eyes and recite them by heart. It’s terribly wasteful and unproductive of me to still long for you; I recognize that. But as my stress, anxiety, and generally depressed situation gets worse, I find myself taking comfort in what you wrote and how you made me feel. I once described conversing with you as “intoxicating.” And, for my own health, I should go “on the wagon” and stop drinking from the goblet of memories that never seems to get stale. But, it’s a nearly impossible task when I think that the only time I felt desired or special was the two years we were connected (re-connected). If only I could hear your voice, with that lovely accent, one more time . . .

Love,
C.xx

2 Comments

  1. lettertohim 3 weeks ago

    The life you sowed for me
    I’m yet to reap or live
    Alone I breathe for you
    Alone I breathe for us.

    • The American Idiot 2 weeks ago

      Thanks for the feedback, lettertohim. My post, the “message in a bottle,” was cast out into the digital ocean as a way to express what cannot be said. If I don’t get the words out of my head, I’m sure to go crazy or self-immolate. that’s probably why I write a “blog” into a Word document that only I can read. That’s 166 pages of single-spaced therapy since 2012. Cheap therapy, at that. Deep down, I know the best course of action is probably to move on, get over her (Lisa), and commit myself fully to the life I have. It’s just so difficult. Like I wrote, it’s not getting any better . . .

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