I’m so tired.

I’m so tired. This pain in my heart, it’s been here for more than a year and I can’t stand it anymore. I’m so tired of being sad because of you. So tired of thinking about you, having dreams about you. My mind is exhausted. I know it’s over. It’s been over for a long time now, I don’t know why I’m still hoping, it’s such a waste of time. Why can’t I just forget you like I forgot every other boy in my life? You’re not my first and neither my last relationship, but I forgot all the other .. why can’t I just forget you? I’ve tried literally everything.

I always end up in the same hole every single time I hate it so much. My feelings for you make me feel so weak, cause yeah, you’re my worst weakness. You don’t feel the same way, I’m curious if you’ve even ever felt the same way because if you loved me as much as I did, you’d at least show me that you care from time to time, not just ignore me like I never even existed and like what happened between us never really happened. You know well how close we were and how much I trusted you, why do you do this? I know you moved on and I should do so too, but just checking up on me won’t hurt anyone, actually it would make me feel a whole lot better cause I know that at least what we went through means a little tiny bit to you next to how much it means to me.

Why is it so hard to forget you? Yeah, we were close, but I’ve got many other people who I’m just as close, but they never replaced you in my heart, I don’t know why. We didn’t even get the chance to kiss, and yes kisses do make two people closer. Why? I ask myself this question so many times during the day. You’re out there, living the life you want, and I’m here, stuck, always falling back into the same hole no matter what I do. It makes me feel like such a failure, because everything I do to forget you isn’t good enough, not even for myself. I know you moved on, then why do you send me mixed signals most times? Or maybe I imagine them as mixed signals just because I crave your attention so much. I feel so weak, talking like this about a person, especially about a boy who I’m certain doesn’t feel the same way.

What else can I do? Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. I NEED to move on, it’s the only way I can find happiness again but it’s so much easier said than done. Why can’t I get what I want? You’re the thing I’ve ever wanted most in my life and I can’t have you. We all want what we can’t have. I don’t know. I feel lost, as usual. I just hope and pray for the day that I’ll say ‘I don’t love you anymore’ and I’ll be sure in both my heart and mind that it’s true, but right now all I can do is wait I guess, wait for that special day and I can’t wait till that day arrives, cause after all, I deserve to be happy as well.