Wish I could understand

Wish I could understand

Wish I could understand


I still remember the first time I saw you. We were both in 6th grade. I was at the soccer fields watching my little brother play his rec league game. You were there watching a family friend play in the same game. We were both sitting on the grass, beneath our parents lawn chairs. We peered down the sidelines and made eye contact.

I’ll never forget that moment.

I was terrified of you at first. You were extremely talented and on the path to being on the youth soccer national team. We would text every once in a while throughout middle school.

Then came high school. We went to different high schools. I was bullied, and you were the only one there for me that year. You told me you loved me. You made me feel worth something. I convinced my parents to let me transfer to a public school, coincidentally the same school as you. The summer before 10th grade things got a little more serious. We went on a few dates, you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I was the happiest I’d ever been.

The school year started, and I don’t know how I would have survived without you. Since it was a new school, you walked me to every class and eventually I settled into this new environment. And I loved every minute of it. Senior year was the happiest time of my life. At that point, we had been dating for close to 3 years, and you told me I was it. Both of us had good friends, promising futures, and our families loved each other. I felt I was a part of your family, and its funny… your cousin is STILL my best friend. So, if anything, thank you for bringing her into my life. We were best friends. We were the soccer power couple. We were what everyone dreams of having in high school.

We had our fights and issues, but I was always willing to fight for what was ours. You were, too.

We ended up going to the same college, but not on purpose. You were getting a soccer scholarship, but wouldn’t tell me where you were getting recruited. After you committed, you told me where you were going, and I had already sent my deposit in for the same place. Obviously, we were thrilled to be going together, but it also scared me.

Turns out, all my fears were right.

In high school, you wanted the good girl because you were the good guy. The girl that didn’t go out. The girl that would rather watch a movie than get drunk. We were so similar in what we did, believed, and wanted. I’m still that girl. YOU changed.

So college starts, and its a new experience for both of us. You struggled and I did my best to help in any way I could. I hope at least you appreciate me for that.

Fast forward 9 months. Everything had been good. Not great, but good. You had distanced yourself, but I just chalked it up to stress because of school. My good friend and I go on a run. We stop to stretch. She says I need to tell you something. She shows me this message that was posted on Yik Yak about how you “have a girlfriend, but cheat on her all the time so she doesn’t count.”

You had been getting blackout drunk almost every night for the past 7 months and hooking up with people from bars who never cared about you in the slightest. We broke up, but you said you wanted me back and were willing to change. We kept in contact, but you never changed. In fact, turns out you had another girl on your arm 2 days after we broke up.

After we broke up, you came to me and told me you were failing 3 classes and thought you were an alcoholic. I told you to stop going out and maybe those problems would go away.

You lived a double-life full of lies for 7 months and dealt with the guilt by getting drunk. I think you’re still doing that. I really hope not.

If that wasn’t enough, you go back and tell your family and friends that I was controlling because I told you to stop going out. Well, let me clarify. I didn’t care that you were making out with total strangers at bars. We were over. I was more concerned with the fact that you were about to fail out of school and that you told me you were an alcoholic. I didn’t want to watch you piss your life away. Most would probably say the same.

It’s been 5 months since I found out who you really were. You broke me. I’m still broken. Being cheated on isn’t ever fun, but the fact that you lied to me and everyone else for so long is what gets me. I not only lost my boyfriend that day, I lost my very best friend. The best friend I’ve ever had. I lost a part of me when I lost you.

We dated for almost 4 years. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. I’m haunted by the memories that once were. I’m not angry anymore, just sad.

I wish I could understand why you decided to throw it away. I wish I could understand why you would do that to a person who loved you more than you’ll ever know.I wish I could understand how you changed into someone that I never would have fallen in love with. I wish I could understand how I didn’t see what you were doing and your true colors.

I loved you for your strengths, loved you through your struggles, and accepted you for your failures.

I guess all that matters now is that it’s over. I hope one day you decide to stop drinking every day like its your job and realize all that is really important in life is the people who you love and who love you. I hope once day you’ll return to the person you were. I hope one day you read this.

When and if you do come back to the person I love, let me know.




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