When you are a kid you think about growing. You think about being an adult, being bigger, taller, smarter, richer. But what is spoke of less is how we continue to grow as adults.
I look back at who I was ten, five even two years ago. And realise how I have changed. How I have grown and developed. Deep down my essence is still the same. But you grow and you learn with experience. Your thoughts change, you perceive things differently over time with each subtle snippet of information. It’s so subtle that you don’t see it happening. And it is never something that can be forced.
It is involuntary.
Over the last year we have had our heartbreak and heartache. We have been bitter and resentful. You have done things that I could never understand at the time. As I know I probably have too. I have suffocated you with contact. Desperate for some resolution desperate for some answers. But I know these answers are mainly within and not your responsibility.
I have been so very bitter.
It doesn’t surprise me that you are wary of me and don’t want to be in contact. I have been unpredictable. Passive aggressive. Defensive.
I do not for one moment want to brush over your mistakes an act like they do not exist. They do. We both know that. But I want to own up to my wrong doings. I want to tell you in person about my thoughts and my sudden realisation at how my actions impacted you. But I cant. Because in doing so I will only be disrespecting the one wish you asked of me. And that was to not be contacted. I do try. I know it doesn’t seem that way. But considering I have something I want to say to you most days, a handful of emails in a year is pretty good going…
This weekend I had a minor fallout with a friend. An old friend. A friend who I have always found it difficult to have a relationship with but loved all the same. A little like you and I. Without going into detail, the way she acted towards me – in anger because of me unintentionally hurting her with something that I could not actually change or control – really helped me understand how I was with you at times.
She continually hounded me. Wanted me to justify my thoughts without giving me any resolution on how to change the problem. I received essay after essay from her and I could see she felt desperate. I tried to be kind. But it was so very uncomfortable distressing and exhausting.
In her mind she was justified. But in reality she was being excruciatingly manipulative. Passive aggressive. Cold. And there seemed to be no constructive way to handle the problem. It was an awful experience. And one that I was familiar with.
As she sent me reem after reem of cutting guilt tripping statements over something I could not change I saw myself. And I felt what you must have felt.
And even in the last few months. I have done the same. Yes out of hurt. But still it was fruitless and manipulative and mean. It was an effort to keep power, to protect myself. But in essence I pushed you further and further away.
I wish I could sit on the park with you. Have a rum with you. Discuss these things. Let you know I understand. Let you know I am always growing and developing and finally seeing my own subtle flaws that assisted in the destruction of our relationship. But this will have to suffice.
It hurts me that you probably think I am a horrible person. No matter how much I try and tell you I am not this will change nothing. But what I can say is that I no longer think you are a horrible person. Because I am beginning to see how easy it is for a nice person to act in ways which are not nice.
I am very sorry for my part in everything. I regret losing you and us and I miss you very much. But you clearly made the right decision for yourself. I am going to do my best to resist the urge to contact you. I am going to resist the urge to demonise you to make myself feel better.
I am going to try my hardest to be more aware of myself and love those around me how they should be loved. We all grow. I guess this is what they call becoming “wise”. I think everybody gets better at relationships with each experience they have. As long as they become self aware and let go of bitterness.
I can honestly say that I will always love you. I think a part of you may always love me too. Noone could make up the connection we had and I am forever grateful for the time we had together.
I sometimes ponder whether we will find each other again one day. But I know it is probably too late and I am a hopeless romantic.
I am so proud of you x x x x x