Hey.

Well. Where to start.

Why I am writing this? I guess I needed to let it out. I guess I needed to put my emotions into words and put it out there for strangers to read about what you have done to me. Maybe your own eyes will see this one day.

First of all, you were perfect. Absolutely perfect. The way you chased me when we first met and the way you took the time to understand me was wonderful. The way you shyly start talking to me every time we see each other. The time you took a breath and asked me out on our first date. The first few months with you were amazing. I still remember where we had our first kiss and how embarrassingly awkward it was. I remember all of the first things we did together and the first time we were intimate.

Don’t get me wrong. You have amazing qualities, especially that sense of humor of yours. I would have never thought that I would know someone who would joke about the same things as me. You were so perfect that I feel so quick and so hard for you. We even made our own way of talking to each other and we were so silly together. We were so close. I’ve never let anyone so close to me before. You were the first person that I told all of my past experiences to, so you knew about all the details about my previous fucking abusive relationship. You also took the time to talk to me about your abused past for the first time with anyone. Your past… It really affected our relationship. I’m really sorry that you went through what you did and I wish I could erase all of it for you, but I would NEVER cheat on you or do any of that stupid shit to you. I feel like I spent half my time trying to fucking prove that I’m faithful to you. Just because I text people other than you, just because I didn’t reply to you within 10 minutes, just because I was a little late to our meeting places doesn’t mean I am cheating on you. As if spending my days thinking about you, making things for you, and trying to find time to go over to your place to see you wasn’t enough.

I was so fucking attached to you. There was no one I wanted to be with but you. You still didn’t see that. I wish you put more faith in me like I put faith in you. I know it’s hard especially since you’ve had bad experiences, but so did I. Like you know, my ex before you emotionally abused me and hurt me in ways you don’t even know. Still I put my trust in you because I know you’re not like that. You’re different. You gave me love that he never gave me. You reassured me and made me feel safe. I was safe with you.

Yet what do you do?

You played with my feelings like it was putty in your hands. You were on and off and on and off and it really fucking wore me out. I feel like I was walking on eggshells throughout our whole relationship. I spend every second hoping that I wouldn’t do anything to trigger your bad moods. It was the simplest things too. Like you got mad because I couldn’t stay awake after a long day? Bullshit. I remember I was begging and pleading for the old you to come back. You just cast me aside like I didn’t mean anything. I can’t recount how many times I cried, thinking about how we used to be and how sweet you used to be. Every fucking thing reminds me of you and it’s just unbearable. The songs that you like, the games that you like, even the smell of a bypassing stranger’s cologne that smells just like yours. It’s fucking unbearable. I looked up to you and everything you do inspired me. How could I ever mean bad to someone who meant this much to me?

I could go on and on about how angry I am right now. I could go tell our mutual friends what you have done to me. I could tell them EXACTLY how you are.

But I won’t.

Because I’m better than that. You’re still someone’s son, someone’s friend, and a human being. I could spend all day grieving about losing you, but I’m not going to let you win. You’ve taken too fucking much from me and now it’s time for me to get my life back. Instead of waiting around my phone hoping for a text from you, I’ll wait for my new opportunities to come to me. Honestly, I was a big part of your life and I hope there’s a fucking gaping hole where I used to be.