How I really feel

How I really feel

How I really feel

LTME postYou left me so uncertain Ben, and so worried. I’ve been constantly asking myself “what did I do wrong?”
It’s been so painful, and so difficult, to think how you just messaged me, left me, blocked me and then carried on with your life.
Yet you’ve managed to be so strong, and I’ve been so weak, and that’s pathetic.
Can you blame me? You meant everything to me, and I don’t say that lightly.
You were literally my world. I know it was an unhealthy relationship, and I was too dependant, and I understand I made too many mistakes, but I feel like you didn’t give me enough time to process that you were leaving me before you just cut all contact.

I don’t get any time to heal in between the crying, drinking, and feeling sad.
I started self harming again too, but that isn’t your fault. I stopped to keep you happy, but now your happiness is none of my concern.
You can carry on with your climbing, and your games, and your college work, but I won’t be able to continue without knowing that you’re safe and happy!

I know that I need time to get over you, but I feel like I won’t ever have enough time to quell my feelings for someone so perfectly suited for me.

Remember all the fun we had together? That’s only in my memory now. She’s staying at yours tonight, and I know that you’ll end up doing something.
I know you, Ben. I know you more than you know yourself.
You might be able to convince me not to believe your lies with that annoying smile of yours.
You always smiled so stupidly, so pathetically. Whenever you thought I’d fall for your lies, or whenever you told your mother yet more lies about me. You would smile inside, because you never cared for my happiness, and only your own; you’re despicable.
The reason the blood flows down my body and hits the floor every night is because you hurt me inside so badly that I can’t feel emotions properly any more.
Do you hear me? I can’t feel.
All I feel is sad.

But you don’t care, and you wouldn’t.

Hell, you never did.

Fuck you, Ben.

Why should I be so fucking upset over you?! You didn’t love me even for a second.
You always lied to me, manipulated me, and ultimately broke my heart.
My heart deserves better.
My heart deserves someone that will love me back.
You don’t deserve my heart.

I may be going through a difficult time, with alcohol flowing throughout every part of my body, but I will get through this. I can call this a rough patch, but every person gets those occasionally.

Fucking hell, I’m a 6/10 and you’re a 2/10 with the right lighting.
Was I blind? Apparently love is blind, and jesus, they sure nailed that on the head.

I don’t want to see your face again, you make me feel sick.


Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.