I’ve been contemplating for some time on how or if I was going to do this. I know I haven’t even crossed in your mind for quite some time. You probably won’t care about this, and it may not change anything, but that doesn’t bother me because by my writing of this letter I’m not trying to make you smile or be some cute love-story guy and I’m not trying to sweeten you up because that’s not who I am anymore. I grew up. It’s just that I really hurt you with the things I said those years past and it’s haunted me every day since. I was young and battered, and I knew you weren’t happy so I pushed you away to the point where I knew you wouldn’t want to come back. Said some things I didn’t mean. I did that so I wouldn’t hurt you any further, at least until I was a better person and could control my feelings and emotions.

Which I am.

I understand that you have better things to worry about then me, but you’re still always kicking in my mind. Not in an obsessive, “Oh I want her back” kind of way. Just in a kind of way that makes me wish you didn’t hate me so damn much. I understand you’re different in almost every way now, and you probably have no interest of being acquaintances. And I’m not going to ask you to because I think that would be bullshit of me and you deserve better than that. Just let me explain myself briefly.

Everything you think you know of me when we broke up is completely false. When we broke up I never talked to any other girls, never had sex with any girls, anything. I told your friends that because I knew they would tell you and I couldn’t just tell them I was sulking over you because I know that’s not what you were doing. I just never wanted to be the person you had to miss. I’m not worth it. I’m just some skinny kid tying boats down in Japan. You were too good for me and you know that. Maybe I didn’t really get over us. Maybe I learned to live with it. And maybe that’s what caused me to write this bitch of a letter. I’m still figuring all that out.

The truth is, Adrianna; I look back at my life in the past 4 years and I realize how much I have changed and all the people that have come and gone, and I think of how I was never ready for any of them. My life has taken a 720° spin in the last 2 years alone. You could see me today and wouldn’t recognize me at all, but I’m sure it would be no less of the same for you. I was the most immature, obnoxious person. I don’t know how you put up with me, quite honestly. And I knew of the good thing we had, I just didn’t know how to properly nourish and take care of it. Give it medicine and extra attention when it needed it. And that’s on me.

I don’t expect you to call me, or see me or even unblock me online. And I won’t ask you to do any of those things. But, if you are still reading this and haven’t torn it up and threw it away, I just wanted to explain my actions and apologize and let you know that I’m not the same stupid mess of a kid I was 3 ½ years ago. Also, just know that I’m always going to be there for you and you will never be alone as long as I am alive. I’ve never left your side and I won’t.

Do you still have that signed Rocket to the Moon shirt?
Hoping you’re happy now.

– Ian