I sent you an email. You likely trashed it, or sent it to spam without even opening it. I hate that. I am sorry for how selfish I have been this past year J. I refused to see past my own hurt and see how much hurt I was causing others, how much I was pushing them away. I wish I could go back and change it.
I remember one night when you came over for some fun and I proceeded to sit on the bed. You were standing in front of me at the foot of the bed and told me to get down. I wasn’t allowed on the bed – you wanted me on my knees, pleasuring you. I loved it. I love how you took charge, asserted your dominance and made sure I knew you were the alpha male in that moment. It was such a huge turn on. I want to have that again. With you.
In November, I got to apologize in person to you for some of the hurt. I felt better afterwards, and you later told me you did too. And then I refrained contact at your request for two weeks in December with the knowledge I was going to get to see you again. And we spent the next month getting along again. We had one fight and stopped speaking for a month. I refrained from contact for that month with the knowledge I was going to get to see you again. And I did. We spent an afternoon in my apartment talking and then I pleased you. I want that again.
I waited these past three months for a chance to get to talk to you again. About everything. Just one conversation. To say everything I need to say, to ask the question I need to ask. You know me. It scares me how well you know me, even when we haven’t spoken or seen each other in months, J. I love it, too, though. You know I would do anything, at all, that you asked of me to be allowed in your life again. To be allowed to stay in your life. I miss you.
You constantly talk about being a helpful guy, giving people another chance. Well, where is my chance to prove to you, directly, that it’s different now? That I’m not going to make the same mistakes, especially since I’ve now spent two nights in jail. I feel I earned another chance, that I earned one final conversation from having had to spend two nights in jail and refrain from contact for the past three months.