Paulie’s Past

Paulie’s Past

Paulie’s Past

LTME postNot a day goes by I don’t regret letting you walk away.
To a man I never deserved, to who I should have appreciated more.
Times past and somehow you still will cross my mind; Questions arise such as, Are you happy? How’s life? The business? How are you? I don’t know why, but you are and have been since the moment I met you, someone who genuinely mattered to me. I never cared that you had a business, or you were successful (I mean that’s a plus, I loved that you had goals and ambition) but that wasn’t what mattered. I didn’t care that you drove a brand new car, or if you bathed in gold coins, I fell in love with your smile, your sweet sincere eyes, I fell for your laugh, as corny as it can be. I adored your overall presence; there was something about you that instantly grabbed my attention. I hold dear the memories now, certain moments replay over and over again like a haunting reminder, a bitter sweet reminder.
A day doesn’t go by that I don’t wonder, “what if?”
BUT, I will always be forever grateful for the way you touched my heart. You should me that I wasn’t completely unlovable, although I was flawed. However the one thing you may not know is this, when you left, it changed me. I saw everything so differently. I realized and cared more, I also swore up and down that I would never, ever again hurt someone the way I hurt you, I would never break someone the way I broke you. You were my shining star, my muse so to speak. You were what changed me from the horrible heartless monster I was. I never meant to hurt you, I wish I knew then what I’ve learned, oh what a naïve soul I was, to let someone so perfectly made for me just walk right out of my arms.
I put the blame on me, not you (although you share some part to fueling the flames of the fire) I defiantly see, know, and understand what I did. I saw you break, I saw you fall and cry and I knew. I was your monster, your horrible ugly past, the girl who ruined you the person who tried to hold you back, the liar the cheater.
All I ever wanted to be was yours. Your future, the girl who helped you become successful the person who believes in you fully and is supportive, someone who will always tell you the truth and remain faithful to you. (I tried, but for the amount of lies, I very well cheated on you I didn’t give you what you deserve)
Will we ever be together? – to answer this question fully and truthfully, in another life maybe, but there will always be unfinished business between us. Part of me really wouldn’t hesitate on the thought of me with you, however my question still would remain, I wasn’t good for you then, what if I never will or would be? I’ll never be perfect. But the me now, hates who I was, and what I did to you. unforgivable things, and I know you won’t hear this the right way ever, cause there’s no way to really say it “right”, but Paul, I am so sorry for all the pain, aggravation , stress and heartbreak I caused you.
– Ashley

1 Comment

  1. MD 8 years ago

    Thank you for your post. I went through the similar ordeal with you. Ended my 2.5 years relationship two weeks ago. I still hate myself for cheating on him too. I miss him so much. I have hurt him so deeply. I never deserve him. I could never accept myself for who I am ever again. I really do miss him very much. I don’t deserve anymore chances. Perhaps it’s better this way that we would be separated forever, I don’t know. I wish he would be alright.

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