For a long time I hated your guts. Thought you were the worlds most heartless human. I’ve never understood how some people can say they love another while simultaneously cheating and lying behind their back. I was skeptical of you from the begining, my friends were skeptical, everyone that knew our situation told me to be wary but, I said “fuck it I won’t fall for this girl, we’ll just sleep together and I just won’t buy into her bullshit.” But wow. You were such a good bullshitter and my 21 year old heart wasn’t experienced enough to hold its own against your cunning linguistics. I fell pretty much immediately. You were everything I ever wanted in a girl, loving, sarcastic, crazy hot, pretentious but in a respectable way, and brilliant. If your reading this in fact you’ve probably already pointed out at least 5 grammatical errors. I fucking loved you. Like a fat kid loves cake but you were bad for me. The worst in fact but, I couldn’t get enough. I had a sweet tooth for disaster.

I believe you when you say you cared, I even believe you when you say you loved me. But, we all have a different definition for that word. There is the kind of person that falls in love easily and quickly with just about every person they are romantically involved with and then, theres the kind that is extremely selective with whom they choose to say that awful four letter word to. Our whole problem was that you were the first and I am the second one. You meant “i love you for the time being, you’re comfortable to me” and I meant “I love you forever, you’ll always have a place in my heart”

I don’t blame you for saying it. I don’t even blame you for moving on pretty much immediately. What I could have done without however, is the dishonesty. I’ve always wished you would have just told me exactly what you meant instead of telling me what I wanted to hear. It would have made things a lot easier later on. Maybe we’d even still be friends, who knows. But, I’ve always wished there would have been some way to settle our differences other than the big finale of blaming and shaming and “fuck you forever, leave me alone”. That’s not the kind of person I am and i’m extremely ashamed of the way I handled that. My friends are constantly telling me “why do you feel bad, she cheated on you!” but, what they don’t about are the hundred and one things I did wrong leading up to it.

I wasn’t what you needed. I told you too often how hot you were instead of how smart and cool you were. I thought of myself as some find of positive influence that would fix all the negativity in your life. I wrote songs after our breakup that were incredibly too revealing and hurtful and for that I’m so sorry. You deserve someone who is going to make your life better every day without even knowing it. Who is going to tell you how awesome you are and make you fucking believe it. You need someone who makes you better and I made you worse.

I really do wish you well. You taught me so much and I don’t regret a damn thing. We could’ve been great at another point and time, in another life but, not this one. All we had was then and then is just another memory that has long faded.