I’d like to start by saying that this isn’t an effort to reconcile or get your attention. This isn’t a cry for help or a reminder that I miss you. I wrote this for me, to get my thoughts out that I’ve been tossing around for the past week. A response isn’t necessary nor am I expecting or wanting one.
I just wanted to say…thank you. Sure, I’m bitter. Of course I’m angry you used me. Yes I’m mad at the fact that I wasted my time, effort, love, and energy. But after this past week of dealing with these emotions, I’ve realized just how much you’ve saved me when I was totally unaware I even needed saving. You taught me so much about myself, what I have been lacking, and demons I’ve been hiding deep down that I didn’t know existed until you hurting me brought them to my attention.
First and foremost, you taught me what to stay away from and look out for in the future. I’m sure you don’t see it this way, but the issues you clearly battle deep down is kind of what originally attracted me to you. Without knowing it, I craved the chaos and toxic behavior you brought to the table. The constant push and pull, your hot and cold behavior, your anger, your indecisive nature…for some reason I wanted that. It gave me an excuse to be unhappy when really I was just unhappy with myself. You calling me crazy and making me feel unworthy gave me an excuse to lack confidence when really I just lacked confidence to begin with. I learned that you can’t force someone to love you, and to instead hold out for the love I deserve. I learned to not ignore all the red flags you clearly showed me time after time. And I learned to trust my gut instead of ignoring my fears about someone that now were so apparently true all along. I learned that there are people out there like you. Ones that fear commitment and love and will not settle down even if you are the most perfect female in the world. Ones that chase hard in the beginning, making you feel on top of the world, only to pull away once you reciprocate because they have issues within themselves with letting people in. Ones that will allow people to fall in love only to get scared when that attachment shows its ugly head and instead leave you in the dust to chase another all over again and feed that need to be needed. I didn’t know people like that existed. Now I do. And now I know to steer clear when I see those signs. So for that lesson, thank you.
At the time, I thought I was dying to be with you. I thought you were something special to me. I thought you made me feel whole and happy. After this week of reflection, I realized you were emotionally unavailable and feared commitment which is exactly why I chose you. Im emotionally unavailable and fear commitment too. I didn’t know it until noticing that I chose you for this exact reason. I knew you’d never be with me. I knew I wasn’t what you wanted. I knew you only wanted to chase females and collect some sort of list of admirers to make yourself feel better. I knew all along. But I ignored it, because secretly I didn’t want you either. I didn’t want anyone either. I needed to work on myself and you gave me an excuse to explain why I haven’t settled down yet. I could blame you for feeling lonely when in reality I’m only lonely because im not whole enough to really give my heart away yet. You brought all this to my attention, so thank you.
I’ve realized my unhappiness was because I haven’t been taking care of myself. I realized I’m addicted to amphetamines, pretty severely. I can’t function without them. And since you hurt me, I’ve been weening myself off. It’s tough, of course. I’m sleepy all the time. But I don’t want to rely on substances to be successful anymore. I wouldn’t have faced this addiction had you not forced me to hurt and look inside myself for my roots of unhappiness. My lack of sleep, my failure to eat…it’s all become apparent that these are main causes to my unhappiness.
My health as a whole. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually…All the above have been suffering and you gave me an excuse to ignore them and instead blame you, but since you left I’ve been forced to face them. I’ve gotten a gym membership and ride Cassie’s bike daily now. I’ve committed to quitting smoking cigarettes for real this time. I’ve meditated daily and dove deeper into yoga and finding myself. I’ve stuck to a better diet. I’ve found books on spiritual enlightenment that are terribly fascinating and have sought out a “life coach” to get myself back on track. I’ve rediscovered my love for writing and began to pick up my hoop on a regular basis again. I’m still struggling, of course. Real change takes time. But I would have never even considered these changes had you not broken me in the first place.
I was so caught up in saving you. Saving you from your hurt, your physical pain, your inability to handle real emotions. I forgot about myself and allowed myself to be completely consumed with trying to help you. I confused this all encompassing desire to save with love. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely cared about you. I always will. But I don’t think it was love. I was just so caught up in ignoring all my needs and distracted myself with trying to help you. I’ll never do that to myself again. A lesson I needed to learn so very badly.
I miss you, of course. But not in a way that you miss a former lover. I miss being able to blame my lack of self awareness and my unhappiness on someone. I miss you because change is hard, and as I explained before, I’ve never tried to embrace change on such a grand scale before. I wouldn’t be here working on myself had you not broken my heart. Had you not shaken me awake and forced me to look inward. So ultimately…thank you.
I hope you don’t read this and become angry. I hope you don’t think I’m trying to attack you. I still respect you as a human being and think that deep down you mean well, you just have quite a bit of demons to face, just like I do. I’m sure nothing I say can prevent you from toying with someone like this in the future, but I genuinely hope it does. If you’re not ready to love, you shouldn’t find someone to pacify you in the mean time. Something I’m learning as well. It hurts people. People that don’t deserve to be hurt. And all the projecting and mean things you said and how you blamed me for our failing time and time again, those words still haunt me and probably will for a long time. I’m learning they weren’t true. I’m learning they were a device you used to push me away when I got too close. But they damage people. And I hope you learn to fix yourself before damaging others again. I needed that damage to shake myself awake, but I’m sure there will be many in your future that don’t need it so please, find yourself before damaging anyone else. That’s what I’ve committed to do and I hope you do too.
Thank you Trent. For breaking my heart and forcing me to change. For teaching me very valuable lessons you didn’t even realize you were teaching. I wish none of this happened and I wouldn’t have even ever met you, but in reality you were exactly what I needed. I’m truly thankful for everything. I hope you work to find happiness and self awareness just as I am because you deserve it more than most. You’ll be missed Trent. I wish you the very, very best.