What I wish I could say to you.

What I wish I could say to you.

What I wish I could say to you.

LTME postDear Ashley,

I guess it’s been a while, hey Hun? It’s been too long that if I take a moment to calculate how long, my stomach starts to turn. My heart begins to redeem the pain and I feel like throwing up. It’s your birthday in a few days, just like it was mine not too long ago. You never messaged. Therefore I shall not message you. The day I turned the number I couldn’t wait to be, was the day I felt like dying. The whole day, I was in such misery, I wished with all my heart that it’d end. I was so utterly depressed I couldn’t even pull off a fake smile. I completely hated how I unconsciously wished for ‘you’ when I blew out that ugly flame. The flame that was burning bright in my face, it looked just like how I am feeling on the inside. I hate how I still wish and hope day by day for you.

On that day, I wondered if you even realised i was a year older now, if you even cared at all, or if emotions came back to you. I remember the girl I used to be when I met you. She is the same girl as I am now but she was far more happier. Oh gosh, i have forgotten what it’s like to have a heart that isn’t dripping in blood. To have a heart that isn’t pounding in pain all day. To have a heart that hasn’t been stabbed, torn and thrown behind to ‘start new’. I never knew how many tears can escape from my eyes until now. All these tears that have been running down my face are emotions too complicated to express through words.

I just want to say Happy birthday for Sunday, and I say this in anger, pain, confusion and complete love. I still care so strongly for you, unfortunately. If you aren’t feeling well, I wish I could help and be the one to kiss you better. But that’s not my place and duty to do so anymore.

A few days ago, I felt extremely sick. It’s getting closer to when you are coming back for a holiday, and the thought of that makes me unstable. It makes my stomach sink, it makes me nervous. What also makes me sick is, in two months, that’s when we first started talking to each other. It’s when I first saw sight of you. And you first saw sight of me. The weather at the moment, the scent, everything carries me to you. Around this time last year, I was so overwhelmed in joy, it was the beginning of our love. Or maybe it’s just my love for you. I will never know. You left me with no explanation, you left me questioning, with a mystery. I hate how it was so easy for you to deal with this. Or the idea that you could. I can’t wear the perfumes I got for Christmas. You know, the ones I wore every time I was with you. The ones you used to love. They make me teary.

I accept the fact that you enter my mind. I accept the fact that I cry. I let myself, if I feel the need to. I accept the fact that I still get emotional over you and that I still love you. I understand that I’m still in pain, because love takes time. And most importantly I understand that I’m probably going to always love you, because when you love someone you can’t just stop.

If two love each other, no matter what they will find there way back to each other. Don’t be afraid if this is the case. I understand that you might have not been able to deal with the separation and distance. But if you never loved me and you are going to continue to ignore me and block me out like if I don’t exist, I don’t want to even see you. That’s why I’m scared that you will be back, I don’t want to see you if you don’t love me, not even in the audience, because I know I won’t be able to handle it.

Love can be so sad
I love you. Goodbye for now.


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