Hi Dave,

I hear you’re engaged. I think you definitely ended up with the right partner. The two of you deserve each other.

You’ll be glad to hear that the HPV you gave me resolved itself, so I won’t need to have a second cryosurgery. It sounds like Kirsten is familiar with STDs, so I’m sure she’ll be fine if it happens to her.

I know that you still have naked pictures of me. I know that you still masturbate to them, or you will in the future. I’d rather if you didn’t, so please delete them.

If you want to put them somewhere that I can get them first, that would be nice. I lost the copies that I had when my computer was stolen the night my car was stolen, at 11pm in SF. That was the night you couldn’t be bothered to pick me up. Luckily, someone else was willing to get out of bed and give me a ride, so your rest didn’t have to be disturbed.

You are still the only person I’ve ever dated who has slept with a prostitute.

I give the two of you 5 years or so. You might stay together after that, but you won’t be happy. That’s ok though, it will be worth it to you for her family’s money. And she’ll be trapped because kids.

I’ve known you a long time, and I know you well. And I really have no positive memories of you at all. Love is a funny thing, but now, all I can say is, “Phew!”

All the best,
Chris