What I wish you knew…

I know you have found someone, and I really wish you the best with her. I hope she realizes that she got a really great
man who has so much potential. I hope she treats you exactly the way you deserved to treated. I hope she makes you see the world in a new light, like you did for me. I wasn’t looking for you when I found you, and I wasn’t ready for the love you wanted to give me. I know I wasn’t all you hoped I’d be. I wish you could know who I am now. I am so much more than what you thought I could be. I’m sorry you fell in love with the expectation of who you thought I should be, instead of the person I was, and now am. I am sorry that you never got to experience all the love, support, strength and joy I could have brought to your life. I know, in our own way, we really did love each other, in some twisted naive way. Losing that love was a pain I have never felt. Losing you as my best friend was worse. Looking back, that wasn’t the worst of it though. The worst was the feeling of inadequacy you gave me. That I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t trustworthy enough. You broke down my beautiful spirit. My independence. I became lost. This was the lowest point of my life. I spent two years feeling sorry for myself, thinking that I was unworthy to be loved. Then one day, it clicked. It wasn’t me who was unworthy of love, it was you. You were unworthy of all the potential love I had to give you. I was trustworthy, I was supportive, I gave my all. I am worth it. This realization made me angry at you. It made me plain pissed off. I resented you, all the while missing you. I resented you because I know you didn’t mean to judge so harshly. I know you have good intentions. I know you didn’t want to fall in love with someone who wasn’t goal oriented, or career focused. I know that you couldn’t stop yourself from falling for me though too. I know your pain is as real as mine. I know that you went through these same emotions. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone who wasn’t carefree, and free spirited. They say opposites attract, and we weren’t any exception. The problems with opposites, is that in itself. When we parted ways, I thought I would have the upper hand…that I would be able to move on life, like I had before. I was wrong. This love changed me. It turned me to the lowest low….then to the highest of highs. I have found myself. I am grounded. I am flighty. I am my own person. I am worthy of all the love you never gave me and the love you did give me. I love our story now, though it is not the love story I wanted. I miss you every day, I miss our little moments. I miss my best friend. I know you’ll have those little moments with your new love story. And for that, I feel a little tinge of jealously. I hope she loves how type A you are. I hope she realizes you need your space, and that you want everything to be perfect. And when things don’t go perfect, which will inevitably happen, that she can help soothe your anxiety. I hope she loves you in the most true way possible. I hope you realize the love I have for you will always be in my heart. I wish you knew how much I loved all the time and the love and the joy you gave me. I wish you were there to help me through this hurt, but I know you couldn’t be. I know that I had to go through this journey of discovery on my own. I love you in my own naive way still. I wish you knew how much I am thankful for this heartbreak. I needed this to happen to realize I am not always supposed to have my head in the clouds. I needed to be grounded…for that I thank you. You’ve made me feel safe then. You’ve forced me to feel safe on my own now.

forever thankful for this lesson,

Katie