Dear N
I need some space and think I might always need it.
I grew up with you. I thought that was it I had found someone special. You have many special qualities. You are kind, caring, generous, and passionate. You are loving, sweet, helpful and want to make others smile. You are all of these things but only when you want to be.
So it took a while but slowly you forgot to be these things, the things that made me love you.
You shouted, you exploded at the little things and you called me horrible names. Sometimes I shouted back, sometimes I sat on the floor when you stood over me, or slammed doors.
You didn’t help me cook or do the laundry, and who ended up clearing out the cat litter when we decided we were ‘ready’ for pets. You let me pay more bills and let me think I spent too much money on clothes, whilst you slowly saved away. You told me I was boring in bed and I believed you.
You weren’t there when I needed you for a funeral. I was there when your dad was ill and didn’t think twice about the money or the time off work.
When we broke up and had to live together you wouldn’t help me out by staying on the sofa bed, you wouldn’t let me sleep when I tried the sofa either. When I had a migraine you told me I brought it all on myself as it was my choice to end things.
You put back on your kind face when we went out with our friends. You made a big thing out of my birthdays to show people how lucky I was. So I felt stuck, worried they wouldn’t understand.
Turns out I have the best friends in the world. And I am very lucky and very much loved. They were there before you, during and they will be there after. They took me for coffee, cake, wine, gin and most of all hugs and smiles. They texted me everyday to check I was ok and still do now.
They call me and listen to my embarrassing dating stories- and yes I am dating and attempting to get some of that confidence back. Apparently other men don’t find me so boring in bed.
I tried being your friend. I tried telling you how angry I was and why. I thought I could cope seeing you (because you had to move just around the corner). Turns out not so much. I have friends who will never do half the things you did. I can’t have someone in my life who was cruel and took me for granted for so long.
My friends, my family and my cats will always love me more than you ever did and I will love them more than the world for it.