I wish I would’ve told you what you meant to me. I wish I would’ve told you how I can’t live without you. But most of all, I wish I would’ve told you exactly how much you mean to me..
I’m extremely sorry for what I’ve done. Not only did I hurt you, but I hurt others, including myself. I’m still a broken soul. I so badly wish for things to get better. I so badly wish I could take it back. You’re right, it’s unforgivable, because I can’t even forgive myself for it. You were everything to me, and you still are. I’d be lying to myself if I said I’m okay, because I’m absolutely broken and torn into a million pieces. And it’s all my fault. Here’s something I’d like for you to know.
When I said I loved you, I meant it. When you pissed me off and I told you to break up with me, I always hoped you wouldn’t. When I treated you like shit, I felt extremely regretful afterwards. When I told you I loved you, it wasn’t just three meaningless words; it was my heart sinking due to the thought of you. I loved you more than anything or anyone, but I fucked up. You were amazing to me, and you treated me the best you could. You asked if I wanted to learn to play video games, and I said no without even thinking how much they mean to you. You asked me to listen to you, and I ignored you. You asked me to try harder, and I once again failed.
Look at where we are now, and then look at where we were when we first met. When we first met, there was nothing but love, and now, there’s love, but not the same kind of love. When we met, we were happy to be together and we were happy to love each other and finally find the right person. Now, the love we share is barely there. We’re both unhappy, and bad thoughts run through my head daily. I think about what you’d do if I wasn’t around. Would you be happier, or would you be upset over me being gone? Would you regret not forgiving me? Thoughts run through me daily, and I think about you constantly. What would happen if you forgave me? What would happen if you moved on? What would happen if I ceased to exist? I think about punching a wall until I break my hand. I think about taking a boxcutter and slitting my wrists like old times. I think about hitting my head on the wall until I’m out senseless. You won’t allow me to act on my bad thoughts, and I’m trying my hardest to uphold that promise.
I make mistakes, I’m only human. But you’re right, this one’s unforgivable. I haven’t forgiven myself for previous mistakes made; I’ve been angry at myself for a while now. I eat away at myself until there’s nothing left. I degrade myself until I can’t do it anymore. I pick apart each and every little and big thing wrong with me. I’m the most fucked up person you’ve probably ever met, but if I could change it all, I would.
Here’s something that I need to get out. You told me I was a broken soul and you wanted to fix me, and in that moment is when I realized that you’re the only one that can fix me. It’s been you all along. You’re the person I’ve been searching for since I first started dating. The thought of me being without you sickens me. We fight, we get angry, but I can’t stay angry at you for more than an hour. You told me I was your soul mate, and I truly believe that you’re mine. I fucked up by letting things happen, and I’d take it all back if I could. I’m sorry for what happened, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. I love you, and I always always will.
Love, your beloved ex-girlfriend