Three years is a long time, if you were to break it down it would come out to: 1095 days: 26,280 hours: & 94,608,000 seconds. It’s not a lifetime, but when you feel your time on this planet is limited it can sure feel like it. It’s time you can never get back, or re-write. Time only puts a stamp on things, but never tells the story.. When I met her I wasn’t looking for anything, I had just come out of my third adult relationship in which I had been cheated on, and I wasn’t in a rush to feel that emotion again. I’ve had trust issues over my life, more than likely caused by the fact that the woman I adored most, my mother, had cheated on my father. In my world, if she could do it, anyone could, and most did. Even in the healthiest of relationships I had to face that evil, and it would set me up for failure time and time again. While I won’t tell you everything that happened in between the lines over the course of three years, I will give you some insight.. We loved eachother. Not the OMG she’s so hot, teen bop kind of love.. True, honest, unequaled love. Something I had searched for my entire life, but wasn’t ready for. You see, when your let down time and time again, you fall into a pattern where you just start to expect the worst. You fear giving your everything because you fear everything will be taken from you. In my past relationships, they were all healthy, maybe too healthy, not many fights, which is why when I would find out I had been cheated on, it would come flying out of left field and hit me in the stomach like a commercial truck. The funny thing is, I always took it like a man, and moved the fuck on. Second chances were never given, I always tried to maintain my pride and know that I deserved better. In this case, that would never happen. We always had a rocky relationship, but one that was filled with such love it became over powering. We would fight, but always find our back to eachother. She was great at being there when things were good, I was great at being there when things were bad, there wasn’t much in-between. It was the foundation that we were built on, and carried over for three long years. Valor is defined as great courage in the face of danger, especially in battle. If that’s the case, we both deserve the highest fucking awards. I’m by no means the perfect man, many women used to call me that, but over time, and over pain, I began to change. I came from a broken home, and over time all the people I loved most left my life in some way or another, whether I was abandoned or they passed. At 8 years old my mom ran off with another man, leaving our family broken and the only time I would ever see my father cry. At 9 I was ordered to appear in front of a judge to tell him which parent I wanted to live with, a hard choice at 9 years old, but I stayed with my dad as I knew my mother couldn’t handle us kids, and I wouldn’t be the next one to leave my father. At 18 my sister died. Over the course of the next 10 years I would lose some of my best friends to drug overdoses, car accidents, as well as more family members. Healthy relationships would turn into let downs, friends that I’d kill for would avoid me for a year just to avoid paying back that 20 dollars I leant em.. At 28 I met the person who showed me everything that I needed, the love, the tears, the fights. Personally I think fighting is healthy, it’s a way to vent and get your anger or emotion out, as long as it’s never too consistent, and only verbal. Problem was she had just come out of a bad relationship as well, and our worlds would collide. I know that if I had met her 10 years earlier, it would have been the most magical, perfect, exciting love that anyone could have ever dreamt about. But we both had problems. My problem was I pushed her away, after so many let downs in my life pushing people away became habit. I would push them away, and hope that they came chasing after me relentlessly which was almost always not the case. If any red flags came up my guard would go up instantly, and it took a lot to come down. Now I won’t tell you what she did wrong, it doesn’t matter. What mattered most is we never gave up on eachother, but I guess there always comes a time when one person has to quit, believing that there is better for them out in this world regardless of how much you may love that person. If you were to ask me what my opinion on love is, I would tell you it’s the single most powerful thing on this planet. It controls us, it can either elevate you, or destroy you, there isn’t much in-between. I found myself doing things for her that I never really did in the face of adversity. I FOUGHT for her, and I mean fought.. When she would do something that hurt me, I would pull her closer in hopes that she’d never do it again, and never leave me. I gave chances that were never given by me before, and I vowed to never give. We cried. Something that was severely lacking in my past relationships, while being healthy, was emotion. I’ve always been the type to need to see emotion. If your upset, I want to see it. I need to know that you feel it, I need to know that if I do something wrong it affects you, otherwise I will just think that you can give a rats ass about me.. She saw me cry. She probably saw me cry more than anyone ever has. Not because she did so many things that hurt me, but because I just loved her that fucking much that my emotions were always in over drive. She is the only person to never judge me when I let my emotions out, which is why I loved her even more. Let’s face it, I’m a emotional guy. I’m a man where I need to be, but I believe in a good healthy tear. But I love this girl so much that it doesn’t take much more than a song on the radio, or picturing her walking down the aisle to get these emotions flowin’. This story doesn’t have a good ending tho. Regardless of the things that will go unnamed that I always forgave, and never giving up, we had our last fight. I blame myself for all the times I pushed her away, even if they were justified. I say this because no matter what ever happened, I loved. I really loved her. I knew I couldn’t live without her, a week felt like a eternity being apart, another emotion I’m not used to as I’ve always been one to appreciate my personal space. While I swore to never give up, someone eventually will if you can’t get things on the right path. I will take with me some of the greatest memories of my life, but unfortunately I will have to give up a few things as well, as they are a constant reminder of the love we had and shared, and currently that is too much for me. I’m sick. I have problems going on that can be lethal if I don’t get them checked out. These things going on also played a role in my behavior and attempts to solidify this relationship. I was petrified that if something truly is wrong with me, I would leave her behind to endure the pain all by herself and that is a thing I could never do. How could I give her kids? How could I suggest marriage? I wish I had just talked to her.. I wish we had spoken to someone together. When she cries, whether my stubborn ass shows it or not, I break. Tears were the last thing in this world that I thought I would leave her with. Now they are all I have left of a love that will haunt me until my last day on this earth. So here’s my advice to any guys out there.. If you feel it, TAKE IT. If for even one moment you feel you can’t live without that person, make sure you do all the things you need to keep her. DONT BE STUBBORN. Stubborn is an annoying trait that we both had, and it gets you nowhere. DONT PUSH HER AWAY. If you push her away enough, you might just push her into another guys arms. I learned this the hard way. LOVE HER. This one doesn’t need to be explained.. While I was never the perfect guy, I loved her unconditionally. But some of the things named above got in the way. SUPPORT HER. Just because you have problems doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have problems also, make sure you spend as much time making sure she’s ok, as you do yourself. Maybe if I had done some of these things more regularly, we would have made it. But then again, maybe not. Maybe all this was to teach me a cold hard lesson on life and love. And if for any reason the guy who she ends up with is reading this. Do not take my advice, and go fuck yourself.
The Last Chapter.