I wish I had told you so many things but when you called me my heart tensed up and no sound would come from my mouth, and our conversation didn’t last long at all. The last time we talked lasted only 57 seconds yet each of those second felt like an eternity.
You have feelings for your ex, you didn’t want to string me along, you didn’t want me to get hurt before you did something wrong and I appreciate that you cared about me enough to let me go before I was caught in the middle of something awful. But it was too late.
This summer you tried and tried to pursue me and I put up a fight. I don’t let my guard down often and I don’t let people into my life but for you I took a chance. Maybe it was your persistence, maybe it was the weather or maybe it was the fact that we were travelling across the country together. But sometime between our first kiss in South Dakota, and that plane ride home from San Francisco, I began to fall deeply in love with you.
In the back of my mind, maybe I knew. Maybe I knew we were living a fairytale and what happened in the summer should have stayed there but I gave it a shot, and we decided to make it work and it did… for a little while. But ignorance is bliss, and I neglected to admit that you were slowly drifting away from that passionate boy you were when it all first began.
You have the upper hand though, you left me out of the blue to go back to her, leaving me all alone. At first I felt worthless, not good enough for anyone to love but then after some thinking I remembered something. I value myself far to much to put up a fight and I realize that anyone who does not want to be 100% committed to me does not deserve to be in my life. So I cut you out as quick as I could. I listened to what you had to say, told you I hated you and that I didn’t want to be friends or ever speak to you again and I wished you well on the rest of your life. All our pictures are gone, all our beautiful memories will fade and this pain will soon be forgotten.
I have no regrets about cutting you out, and although I hate you now.. one day I hope to be able to forgive you, not because I agree with your decision but because I myself need to move on. If it’s any consolation.. right now I hate myself just as much as I hate you, for taking that chance back in July and giving you a piece of my soul.
I’m not going to say I didn’t cry, I’m not going to say a part of me was relived that I can now be free.. I just want to say that you helped me realize that I deserve someone who is going to move the earth and moon for me and that I should never settle for anything less. You made me realize that I matter, that I deserve to be loved and that I am the most important person in my own life.
And for that, I will forever be grateful.