I hope you and your family are well. You may be upset that I’m writing to you, you may just wish I’d leave you alone, and I can understand that. You are trying to focus and progress and become all of the man God wants you to be, and I PROMISE I’m not trying to get in the way of that. I apologize if I’m invading your space.
However, I sincerely miss you and although it seems as though we were just meant to be in each other’s life for just a season (a season that has long expired), I wish we would have parted with more grace. I’m not writing to chastise you, make you feel guilty, or persuade or manipulate you into “picking up where we left off.” If anything, this is more for me than you. I’m trying to release you. I guess all I wanted was a graceful and mutual goodbye. I understand goodbye is not an easy thing to say. I’m actually supporting us not speaking right now. I know I have come off as someone who doesn’t know what she wants. Yes, I was frustrated, but I want to let you know that I realize that you were frustrated too. With me, it may have felt like you were constantly put in a lose/lose situation. Like nothing you did or didn’t do pleased me. Like damned if you did, damned if you didn’t. And I am sorry if I made you feel like that. That’s a terrible feeling not being able to please someone. I have done a lot of finger pointing and accusing. And while I’m not invalidating some of the concerns and frustrations I had and tried to convey to you, I just want to be honest with you, probably the most honest I’ve ever been with you.
Steven, most if not all the times I expressed dissatisfaction towards you, I was operating from a place of fear and pride. Those are two awfully messy things that can wreak havoc. I was sincerely hurt, but even underneath that was fear and pride. I ENTERED my relationship with you in the winter of 2013 GUARDED and AFRAID. I was 19, very inexperienced with a lot of things, and you were my first boyfriend. Our age difference scared me even though I was always attracted to older men. I was very afraid of being cheated on and deceived by a guy and I went in DETERMINED to not get “played.” I also felt “not good enough” for you. I wanted to enjoy you and I wanted to just be myself and let my hair down with you, but it was hard because of our differences. You’re this tall, handsome man with a stable career, home owner, car owner, and on top of that you love Jesus, have a deep relationship with Him, and you serve in church. I was like, “What could he possibly want with lil ole me?” I felt powerless in the relationship, like I couldn’t give you anything valuable (which hurt me), and I guess you could say I was even intimidated by you. But on a lighter note…
I was determined to get to k now you for you. I tried my best to push my feelings aside and hush up my fears and really enjoy you. For the most part, I did. Steven, my main goal was to get know you. REALLY know you. Be that person you could run to whenever you were feeling vulnerable and a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to be someone who you felt comfortable sharing your fears with. I wanted you to find solace in my presence. I wanted to serve you in an emotional sense, I guess. For the most part, I think I was able to be that person for you. I’ll never forget when you said that you can trust me. I honored that. Your trust was a gift. Our memories are not stain free. But my arguing, my tears, my anger, my sadness, all of that was me wanting to express the following: That I liked you, I wanted us to work, I just wanted to see you, I just wanted to spend time with you, I miss you, etc. I thought I struck gold when I had you. I remember when I first told you I was in love with you. I didn’t fall in love with you for the way you treated me. I fell in love with who you were as a person. I fell in love with you the night you opened up to me about your financial struggles, how you sometimes have to skip a meal, and how determined you are to make your parents proud. I wish I would have told you this long ago. Words like these are the ones worth sharing. I fell deeper in love with you when you told me about this little boy on your block who was late starting school because of his trifling mother. The one who would always reply “Nothing” when you asked him what did he learn in school for the day. I was so moved by the LOVE you showed that child, who so desperately needed it. You cared about whether or not he was learning. That touched me and I fell deeper in love with you. Our first kiss was shortly after these conversations and it was those conversations that made ME kiss YOU.
You may be wondering why have you NEVER heard any of this before. Well, it was because I was AFRAID. Afraid your feelings for me weren’t as deep as mine for you. I didn’t feel like we were equal in that sense. There were times when I tried to be romantic and tell you my deep feelings, but I felt like I came up short. Like you didn’t feel the same. Therefore, I didn’t feel safe to tell you how EXACTLY I was feeling. Moving on…
So I think we can conclude that we just aren’t compatible enough. For some reason or another we couldn’t and can’t seem to get on the same page. You even said it yourself that we aren’t on the same page. That Toure Roberts sermon was saying we weren’t on the same page. We weren’t on the same page in terms of how we express love and affection and we weren’t on the same page in terms of what our expectations were for each other. We aren’t on the same page as far as life plans either. I’m in college, planning to attend graduate school. I don’t even really care to be in Illinois anymore. I feel a pulling to go down South. I just don’t want to leave my family. I know that God is in control, but as of right now I do not see a husband and children in my near future, although my strongly desires them and I eagerly anticipate them. You obviously do not want to be held up when it comes to family planning. Our lives just don’t seem to align. These are hard things for me to write, but it is time I accepted them and stop being in denial. Those times when we reconnected and attempted to be friends, I wanted you back the entire time and hoped we could start over. You knew that lol.
So anyway, Steven, this is just my attempt at truly letting go. This letter is for me just as much as it is you. It forced me to accept the truth: We are not meant to be. We are not headed in the same direction. We want different things. Just because we are attracted to each other and actually like each other doesn’t mean we are supposed to be together. Just because we miss each other doesn’t mean we’re supposed to be with each other. It’s apart of moving on. One last confession: My most recent outburst was definitely me speaking from a place of fear. I was in panic mode. I panicked because I felt threatened. Watching that video, as good and on point as it was, it saddened me because it forced me to come to terms with the fact that it’s not working out between us. Hearing Toure speak was like feeling you slowly slip through my fingers and I was desperately trying to hold on. Hold on to every last finger. I couldn’t take it at the time and I LOST IT! I was fearing you becoming available to someone else. But that is something I HAVE to accept. That’s the reason we can’t be friends. Being just your friend, which was basically like being demoted, was torture. It hurt getting bits and pieces of you when I once had more and when I WANTED more. Although I miss you, I’m a little relieved by this separation.
You may be wondering: Why is this such a big deal to me?! Why can’t I just keep it moving, especially when I was so unhappy? The possibility of you thinking this is a little embarrassing lol, but I love hard and FEEL hard. I am not only human, but a woman at the end of the day. I am sensitive. I have a huge heart. I don’t like disharmony between me and ANYONE, especially those I care about. So, let me wrap this up. I really hope you read this and that you give me the gift of being HEARD. Neither one of us were perfect. We frustrated each other. We got on each other’s nerves. I wasn’t the only one bothered. But I love you, I’m thankful that I met you, I will learn from you and our experiences, I respect you as a human being, and…I don’t want to admit it, but I actually LIKE you lol. It would be lovely if you wouldn’t leave me hanging completely, but I understand you don’t owe me anything. You may not even read this, but I can’t deny how lighter and lighter I’ve felt as I’ve typed this. That’s a gift. So I wish you well. I’ll never forget you.
(Here’s the part where I get even more real about how I feel, but absolutely cannot tell you: I miss you everyday. It hasn’t gotten easier. I wish it would, but it hasn’t. I’m miserable without you. No one has made me cry more than you. I’ve never cried so much until I met you. You hurt me more than anyone has. I cried with you and I cried without you. I’m still crying. I’ve been in and out of depression since you entered my life and I’m struggling my way out right now. However, I miss you terribly and I wish I could just hear your voice. I wish you’d call me. Why did you just have to up and stop talking to me? You couldn’t have just given me the decency to REPLY?! I was hurting and you just walked away from me. It’s like you saw me bleeding for you and just left me there to lay in it. I ask God all the time to take my pain away, but it just won’t seem to go away. You could help me if you’d just give me some closure. But you won’t even do that. Please, I miss you so much. I was miserable with you, but I’m even more miserable without you. With tears in my eyes, I miss you. I wish you could feel how I feel. I wish you could see me when I cry myself to sleep over you, or when I stop studying to go cry, or when you completely ruined my appetite after showing me that damn video and I didn’t eat until about 10:00 that night and barely finished my meal! You have broken me so many times to the point where I am near being crippled, and so many times I just want to quit because the pain and heaviness I feel in my heart is too much to bear. I should be studying now. I started this letter an hr and half ago.