I feel I have to get this off of my chest in order to move on. Emotions like this aren’t easy to get through. I am strong so I know i will get through this hurt in a good way but right now I have to take time for myself. Part of that is getting this off of my chest. I feel like we have grown so much together. We share so many memories and secrets and silly times as well as the good and the bad of it all.
I am deeply saddened. It seems you want to move on. To throw all of our relationship away. I do not get it. I cannot understand in all honesty. I get that you were stressed and did not have time for me but if you love someone you find time. That is how I was raised. I know you think the break was for the best so that you could get your stuff together but you really hurt me. I know I tried to breakup with you prior to that because you were not there for me but I had seriously accepted the fact that I NEEDED to be there for you and you not for me at this time. I thought about you every day. I am not interested in anyone else. I cannot just let go that easily. I just want someone to take the pain away now so that I will stop crying. I see that you do not want me anymore. I see that you have changed. I fee like you want to turn to partying to get rid of your stress. I worry you will turn to alcohol and sex. It saddens me that you might loose your virginity to some random girl after we had talked about how we want our time to be special and with love. You always told me you were decided on me. You told me you wanted to be my husband. I actually believed you…. Now I’m not sure. I don’t even know if you were loyal to me during the break and after the entire Instagram debacle I fear you have lied to me more than I have realized. Unfortunately I see these things but I am bogged down by memories of you staring into my eyes and both of us agreeing that it was like starting into each other’s souls. That we were one soul and two bodies. The way you would hold me. Tuck me into bed at the cabin… and hold me when we would swim because you knew I was scared of the water. Everything was fresh and new and wonderful with you. You made me feel safe and that you would always be there and you helped me understand new things. You did not however define me. But instead you complimented me. I feel foolish now for believing you. I feel like people I love always leave me. It makes me not want to love anymore…. I know you want to be friends but that is difficult. I cannot just forget all that we have been through. I cannot forget the way I loved you and you I. I just hope you aren’t going after something that feels good instead of something that is good and stable. I am sorry for stressing you out and having so many moody moments in that I may not have been the kindest. I only wanted to spend more time with you. You taught me there are good guys out there and I thank you for that. But right now it still hurts like no other. I can honestly say I have never been in love until I met you and I was not expecting to find love with you. I never thought we would last this long. I am happy we were able to make memories.
I really hope you will read this…. I get it if you stopped reading half way through……
I know I will be okay because I will not allow myself to be dependent on you. I’ll probably be sad for awhile but I guess I have to be, I choose to feel my emotions in order to move through them. I feel I have big things to do in this world and I want to do them whether someone is by my side or not. I have wonderful friends who love me and a wonderful loving family. I know I’ll always be grateful for what we had. I still love you as of now….