I want so much to know how to not hold on to pain and anguish from losing you has put me through the last few months. What is your secret in letting go of what you can’t control, even if it’s impossible to convince someone to believe you love them?
The term “It is what it is” has followed me everywhere I go and the people I run into all seem to say it ironically it drives me crazy and reminds me of that night. Everything you have said is true and I keep processing back to believing it still is something I have done and said to make you change your mind, to make you realize what I “was” in your eyes was not real and all I did was use you. You’re not worthy to receive love back not matter how hard you attempted to show it and the lengths you took to prove it. No matter how many times I tried to contact you and rehash it out wasn’t going to change the outcome of what you felt after that decision you made to never accept me again.
I rushed into things just as much as you did. I’m sorry I lashed out in anger about you not wanting to live with me. Going to my Mother and talking about marriage and how you were going to propose really didn’t help either. I was just as nervous and scared to go through with it as much as the reality hit you that day I messed it up. I couldn’t put you in that position to look at you as “my husband” and I forced myself to believe the things you’ve said and shown through your actions to prove it. I’m sorry as well that I was holding back to say “I love you” until you actually were going to pop the question. I just wanted to make sure you knew when I did say it back, you would know you were the only man I was waiting for this whole time to hear it. Although, holding back from saying it made you think I didn’t care in the end and that is a lie. I also know it’s something I can’t go back and change to make you realize any differently because I caused you to bury yourself in a deep hole you can’t figure out who you are anymore and that is in result of me. I am to blame that it was me you lost yourself in trying to be someone you wanted to become and realized you can’t be something you’re not. Is that to say, the man I’ve shared my life with in that short about of time mean it wasn’t you? Was it a persona or a mask behind the man you really are, or the man you believe you are hiding back in the dark again?
I thought waiting for years to work on myself and prepare for a meaningful relationship was the right thing to do in order to be ready for “him” or “you”. I really felt I was ready to put myself out there again and completely opened my heart to the next man God placed in my path and I prayed for guidance and waiting patiently some more. No man in my past was going to get in the way of my feelings that could alter my perception of the right man coming into my life. My heart is completely offered and placed on the table, not realizing that it was also placed next to a knife when I handed it to you.
Maybe I was settling in the end and I fought with my thoughts as I placed aside my original plans after I met you and I stayed longer in order to be around you…. Then I fought some more after I saw your life going in another direction than mine and I was going to go to grad school to be with you, but it wasn’t going to be that my heart was dead set on going back to school. It also meant, if I stayed it would have led to marriage and a family, and a baby would have been okay because I know it was something you wanted as well. Something that you can’t just go buy at a store, but out of love, it was something I wanted to sacrifice and give you as a gift and symbol of my commitment to you. I was hoping, that staying would show you “I love you” without saying it yet. I only thought you would understand of all the people and men I would trust with my life, future and body, you would be that one person to figure out what my actions meant and how much you meant to me. It wasn’t “settling” in my heart, you changed my path, but it wasn’t wrong and… it wasn’t right either. The decision we would both make from that experience and choice would make all the difference as we grew together. As much as you don’t believe me because I never said it back, doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. You were becoming my life, and I so much wanted to share it with you. I so much wanted to tell you how much you meant to me and still do. I will never get that chance again.
Whatever it is that is eating you up inside to make you bitter and cold in the world, I will never know and how you said it, you will take it to your grave. I feel privileged in the end to have been that woman you felt close enough to open up and vulnerable for the short amount of time. We have shared a lot together and I know not many women if at all any other woman were given the chance you’ve given me. Thank you for trusting me when you did. For at least trying to be in the position of what a future husband is supposed to trust his wife with when they promise their life together. I wished I could continue to help you feel through your wants, desires and fears. I know now as you made sure of it, I will never be given that chance again over a stupid argument in a text message about moving in together. I really hope in the end, I’m not the last person you ever open up too either.
Most of all, I am sorry that my friend took my phone out of my episodes of crying and being really sick I wasn’t able to talk. She was wrong in calling you, leaving that voicemail and text message calling you out for being gay. Anything you’ve come to me in private was kept that way, she jumped to conclusion and ruined any possibility of our friendship even becoming one after that. I knew slowly since you left me, you never meant to be friends in the end, you wanted me to move to out of state and you were going to leave me after I moved away and take back any possibility of you moving there for me anyways. I was given forewarning that I chose to deny and ignore it. I’ve noticed when I applied for a master’s degree at your job location and got accepted, you weren’t too thrilled about that idea either. You only saw that as a cute gesture, while I was seriously thinking of creating a family with you and wanted school to come second.
In the end “It is what it is,” and I believed everything you said in the beginning to the day you changed your mind. I even ignored the man you became afterwards because that was not the man I knew and saw to be the last 5 months and I still know inside, you are that man to be kind and loving. You’re just being a jerk to push me away because you think you’re not good enough and you are. I was trying to show you that. I still feel like a fuck up over a stupid text message that made you change your whole mind over this. I don’t know when I’ll ever be okay with this outcome, as you probably find my desperation quite satisfying that you know that you have won in the end. At least you know now that you are worth it and someone out there still feels deeply for you gay or not… (which I don’t think you are) I hope you find yourself soon so you can enjoy existing in this world and share it with someone you’re okay reciprocating the love back with. I’m sorry I can’t be that person as much as I want it to be, you won’t let me and you only think I was settling in the end anyways.
Maybe in some sick way you will find this letter and forgive me. I wish I could still tell you how sorry I am for all of this and I had no idea my friend contacted you. I know that you don’t care and you don’t want anything to do with me. It is best to pretend that you don’t exist just as you suggested….Although when you love someone, that is pretty hard to do. I know in the end, everything you said wasn’t true, you never loved me and you never wanted to marry me. You fell in love with the idea of it all and played with my emotions. I wish I could just pretend you don’t exist, I thought I was doing the right thing. Regardless, it all hurts in the end. If only you knew what it felt like. I wish I didn’t love you so much. I wish i didn’t take the blame inside that it is my fault, I’m the one that was wrong and not ready, I wish I could erase all my emotions as easily as you can. I wish I could be normal like you. I wish I could understand how to accept “It is what it is.”