I lied.

LTME postOkay, so a few months ago I was in a really bad place, so I contacted you to tell you that I was sorry for the things I put you through, mainly, my anxiety, because even though (by your own admission) you were a c***, I was far from perfect, too.

I know you have a girlfriend and she seems like the kind of woman you always dreamed of being with whilst you were with me. If I was trying to nab you off her, I wouldn’t have contacted you. I seems like strange logic, but your actions in the past have shown that you find my silence far more alluring than my interest.

Even though I contacted you because I genuinely felt guilty, I wasn’t entirely honest with you. I do have feelings for you, and every time I think I’ve moved on, that I’m interested in someone else, it’s very short-lived. I still don’t understand how you went from chasing me around announcing your undying love, kissing me at graduation and constantly pulling me and pushing me away, to falling in love with someone else within a couple of months of that utter madness ending. I wish I knew your secret.

So, now we’re talking every day. You’re asking me lots of questions and sending me long, detailed emails and cat videos to match the dog videos I send you. In a way it feels like the friendship we should have had before we got together three years ago, instead of being nineteen year old students, and I had just come out of another relationship. I’ve learned so much in my time alone, and I wish we had met now.

But we didn’t, and now I’m in a right pickle, because I think I still love you, or perhaps I definitely do, but you’re with someone else, and you think I only see you as a friend now, so even if by some miracle you fell in love with me again, you wouldn’t share your feelings with me (if, you know, you and your girlfriend ever found yourselves “tragically” broken up).

Oh well, serves me right for lying, really


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