Whilst you have been composing a letter of political content, I have on a very different, probably less coherent but no less important note I’ve been constructing this scrambled mess of thoughts, feelings.
I ask you please when reading to be patient and open your heart. And if you do end up seeing this or replying just to be sincere. Thankyou.
Knowing the fragile state that your physce was in previous months, I tried being extremely supportive of your choices and of you, I was compassionte and a decent person throughout our break up. I tried to make things easier for you, sadly at the expense of feeling pushed to one side and less important. I hope you have felt my support and noticed my efforts. I truely cared.
Now I am reaching out. I feel as though you have taken for granted the understanding I’ve shown and not given enough in return. I feel you’ve mistaken my strength as a lack of suffering.
I hope you don’t mind me off loading a wee bit now.
Have you ever been dumped by the love of your life? I think the answers no. Well it is torture on all humanly levels it really is. I had to endure the most painful rejection I have ever exprienced. The utter loss I felt has cut and scared so deeply and carved out a massive chunk of happiness from my every day. I don’t think I will ever make sense of it, or completely rid myself of the emotional trauma fully. It deminished the scraps of selfworth that remained from the last few months of being with you, I kept giving and giving but was pushed away slowly and left feeling less and less desired. Still I forgive you. Still I understand. But still I cry.
Everyday has just been another day to just get through to the next one. ‘Escaping’ has been the key theme and a daily occurrence. Distractions have been my saving grace but I am still haunted by the loss. No matter where I go.. thousands of miles from home in the most beautuful of places it still finds me. Any oppurtunity or gap in my attention it creeps back in. I have eaten through all my savings and barely felt any creative expression to paint. Work has been non exsistent. I have been non exsistent in myself, as a Mum too, it’s been very tough to say the least. Too many challenges all on me, I wonder why the universe has done this to me? Why did I need more lessons of pain? Still keep telling myself there must be some greater reason I must be taught to endure the pain. So I breathe out, smile and look up and try and count my blessings. But sadly for all I am grateful for.. its does not equate to the meaning you bought to my world. This time last year I could’nt believe how happy I was, Wow, I have never been so happy. Thought finally it was my time. Little did I know was instore… I never saw it coming, ever! Blinded by happiness, is that even a thing!?? The worst challenge of my entire life to face, endure and rise from. The moment you turned too me in my kitchen and told me you had come to visit to end things. Surely not? No way? Never!!?? I can barely breathe whilst writting that sentence!! And even see the screen from tears.
What it felt like to truely love and adore someone and feel it reciprocated, emotionally, metentally & physically I can never put into words. It feels so unfair to have it taken away. Surely I didn’t deserve that outcome. I wonder is my past karma responsible? Or what the fuck must I of done in a past life!? I am unable to comprehend the entire thing. Could it be thats where my lesson is..? Face the sad fact that none of that really exsists. *note to self, wake up!!.. But yet I still believe that kind of connection is everlasting, and I know you know what I mean. Delluded, I dunno?. Idealist, maybe! Grateful.. extremely.
Oh my gosh its too hard to know what to trust or what to think. I trusted my gut feelings but they let me down, I am still not sure to rely on my thoughts, after all our heads get in the way of
most people following their hearts at the best of times! Fair to say I’ve hit a brick wall, what is this life!. Why cant people appreciate the true beauty in what they have? Why am I unable to secure and grow a deep loving relationship?
Humans need to care, nurture and be grateful a bit more thats for sure. Something just doesn’t make sense, I’m yet to work it out…
Going off om a slightly different tangent now sorry, something I have noticed in our our communications is I cannot remember the last time you reciprocated any
compliments or genuinely or said something nice about me too me. I dunno, but I do wonder why?? It does feellike you’ve avoided doing so, or dont want too? Maybe I am being over sensitive! Perhaps your not even aware.
What ever reason it hasn’t felt good. You must realise a lack of confidence has resulted from being dumped and little things are noticeable when your on the other side of things. Sorry
I am trying my best to heal my broken pieces. As you can see I am not letting life defeat me just yet. I keep smiling. I have surprised myself with my strength. But its been a bit like mental rape! It is still painfully hard work though, constantly battling the inner feeling that I wasn’t good enough for you any longer, after once being all you ever wanted. Thats the part that hurts the most.
All that aside, I am so happy we are friends thats the most important thing. Life is too short for grievances. And you never know when could be the last time to tell somebody how important they are to you no matter what. But Its like your so distant and everyday getting further away from the feelings you once had. I feel so forgotten, pushed away and left in a heap of confusion and struggles.
All I’m asking you is please see beyond my smile, with what ever affection you still hold for me and offer a bit more care and love. It would mean alot.
To conclude I would like you to know what ever your decisions you are a beautiful, kind, funny and brilliant person you are. Beyond any trivial nonsense and out dated love.. You mean so much then you can ever know. I have boundless love for you. I will always be here for you if I can be.