My broken angel,
That’s what I’ll call you.
You made me feel defiled, used and disrespected. I became vulnerable around you eventually to the point of anxiousness and I think that energy encased you within. That’s when the struggle began because I was dealing with a broken and insecure person. I like to say I am a strong person and sometimes it gets to my head and so my ego will rip through me and come out in words only I don’t really mean, but I tried to put that fire out by also telling you how important you were in my life. What you meant to me.
Our relationship didn’t even make it to a year. Hell, it probably wasn’t even supposed to continue past 6 months. You were apart of my answered prayer from an unknown God and boy did he have a lesson to teach me through this experience surrounding you. My spirit had been broken my ego bruised but in all the emotional chaos what stands out is God. My relationship with you has left me in the hallway to be closer to my God. In times my spirit feels lifted though I get a lot of down time also, but all in all I feel renewed. In fact it’s a struggle, like holding on to an unraveling rope but I hold on. I’m still holding on.
Tonight I see that you really love her. Whoever she is, she seems kind, wonderful and she’s really pretty. You both seem perfect for each other in the way of she’s like this light that draws you in and it feels warm and cozy.She would be you guiding light. I’m sorry if my ego kept you in the dark place you were always wanting to run from. I told you when we first met I felt depressed and not myself. I was in search of who I was. Through God I’ve found it and I have to thank Him for allowing our paths to cross. The path we walked down together was beautiful at first but turned ugly fast. You weren’t in the right place, right mind. Drugs were your go to and I feel now like we never had a chance with that shit hanging around. So I was indeed so happy you went to ministry school. You don’t know this but I had prayed to God to keep you on the right path. Unfortunately it led you away from me and now that you met your dream girl at your school, even further away from me. But you weren’t happy and somehow I loved you for all the darkness you were and I still do. Which is why it still fucking hurts but I’ve given up. I’ve finally given up on the anger, the sadness, the ENVY. I got burned but you gained a new love life that seems to fit you so nicely. I didn’t lose though. I gained an even better relationship and in time I know I’ll believe this more. What matters to me within my heart is that you are happy and healthy. And that seems to be what you are now. With your new love and your new life, I do bless you both and wish you both well. It only disheartens me some to say that, but I do mean it. I know my road will be a long one and hopefully prosperous. Hopefully I run into my hubbins soon so I can tell him of everything I’ve learned and gained through such a hurricane. My memories of our time are still pretty fresh and what really made up my 2015. I guess you won’t be in my 2016, only from a distance. I know I have more nights of overthinking and crying and anger to come but I’m hoping I’m wrong too.
God bless the broken hearted and I pray for peace for those hearts. May he heal you and guide you. May he soften our hearts so that our egos don’t swell up so big we ruin what could’ve been such a beautiful thing. Even if it doesn’t work out may you find the beauty in all it’s chaos.
Amen