It’s been over a year.

It’s been over a year since we first met. It’s been over a year since we started hanging out. In nearly 10 days, it would be a year since you asked me out. And in nearly a month, it would be a year since we broke it off.

A year ago I was a freshman and you were a senior, but now a year has passed. I am now at the end of my sophomore year, and you have probably come back home from your freshman year of college as a different person, full of excitement and happiness now that you are now out of the hellhole called high school.

I told myself that I also wanted to break it off, and after it happened, I was relieved. I knew that our relationship was never going to work after the “misunderstanding” (which we all know was a lie) about not even trying out the “long” distance (a 1 hour drive). I knew we weren’t going to last forever, and I knew eventually the long distance idea may fade away, but all I asked of you was to try it. Even if it was only a few weeks. I just wanted you to try it out, because I thought you cared enough to make it work for as long as possible, and not put an end date on our relationship before it started.

You kept hurting me after you said that you weren’t going to make it work. I thought we talked it out the day after and worked it out. But then you blew me off two times, you stopped texting me like you used to; no emojis, no interest. I always had to text first after that, because I was the only one who cared. You kept saying you would take me out, but you kept acting like it was an obligation. I never knew it was such a burden to have me around. I felt like you wanted to break up, and I had no idea what I did to you, and it hurt a lot. You even removed our anniversary date from facebook, and that’s when I knew you really didn’t care about us. I felt like I had to break it off with you.

So in the summer, although I felt relieved, a few days later, the tears came out, and then I struck a high fever. I traveled to Baltimore for a summer program, and as funas it was, I still wished you were there. I went all over California for a fun family vacation, it was so much fun, but somehow I couldn’t stop checking your facebook profile. It was the end of August, I was about
to go to a party, I checked my facebook, and you unfriended me. My heart sank to my stomach. I tried to sustain a friendship by messaging you on facebook, but you chose to ignore me. By the time I got to that party I was so angry, but I knew it was time to forget you, so I blocked you.

I told myself to use sophomore year to move on and forget about you. My grades dropped drastically this year, no matter how much I studied and how much help I got. In October, my closest friends Juliana Jassy and Sudharshini started hanging out without me, and making me feel like I was crap. There was this one party I had with just me and the three of them, and they treated me like their slave who was nothing but crap to them. It drove me to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I was (and still am) suicidal, and it took me so much courage to tell my mom I was feeling depressed. She said she could always talk to me, but she was against the idea of seeing a psychologist. Eventually, she did send me to one (and I am still seeing one), but she completely looks down upon it. I can see so much disappointment in her eyes. We’ve started arguing a lot more, and she’s definitely not happy with how I am turning out. I can’t control my anger. No matter how much she spends on me, nothing makes me happy. It’s like you and my school struggles have sucked up my happiness.

Soon Juliana decided to spread rumors about me to Jassy and Sudharshini, so I lost them as my friends. Then, the three of them started spreading more rumors about me, and it caused me to lose half of my friends, including Nirali. I’ve switched my lunch table for a second time. I have nowhere to go in the mornings. Pretty much half the school hates me. I don’t have an
y real friends anymore. Nobody cares. Everyone somehow prefers Juliana, the school bully who does nothing but manipulate people, and make threats saying her lawyer daddy has 6 lawsuits against the school. I can’t believe all my friends would rather defend and hangout with a person like her, and not a single one would stick up for me.

In March, my psychologist diagnosed me with depression. I still struggle with it now, as well as having suicidal thoughts. I’ve lost my grades, my friends, and a guy I cared about, even though I don’t even know if you cared or not.

Let me ask you, when you broke up with me you said you were depressed and needed something. Why did you say this relationship shouldn’t have started? Were you actually depressed diagnostically? Or were you just feeling depressed? If you were actually depressed, what were you so depressed about? Your parents? College? And if you were just feeling depressed, honey, that ain’t real depression! AIGHT?

Did you ever care about me? Was everything you said a lie? Was my first kiss a lie? Was the whole damn relationship a lie?

Just letting you know that youhave won this battle. I’ve been stripped of everything. I have tried every damn method in the book to forget about you, but I can’t find happiness anywhere else. I can’t seem to forget you, even though you treated me like crap. I have thoughts about you everyday, and I unblocked you from facebook in December because I couldn’t handle it anymore and have stalked you for a few months. I still look at photos of us.

So do me a favor, when you come back to Monty, or if you ever read this, please just look me into the eyes and say you never cared and never will care about me, that I am nothing to you. Just say it please. Maybe that will help me forget about you completely. Tell everyone I am a psychopath. Just do it. Tell them all!

I hope you have a nice life Shiva being the worlds most successful NYU journalist