Fell in too deep

Fell in too deep

Fell in too deep

LTME-postDear Y.M.,

I’ve had many drafts of letters to write you since that faithful day Oct.13th, filled with emotion and yes, last ditch efforts to right any of your wrongs. Even though I was the one who packed my things and left you, my heart was still sewn to yours. I had imagined such greatness coming from the love in our relationship, never realizing that the love was only mine to give and yours to take. Blood, tears, sleepless nights begging you to return to bed with me couldn’t tug at your black heart to feel anything more than vile animosity. I’ve never cried as much as I have when I was with you, I’ve never been hospitalized as much as I had when I was with you, never felt so responsible for repairing something already broken.
But that’s what happens when you love–the person becomes an extension of you and you see their faults as your own. You divert your energy from the best strong parts of yourself to the person who is broken and weak, their recovery is yours, their health is yours. Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. It’s the down times that make the couple stronger, only if there is a willingness to compromise and work it out. There was nothing more for me left to give; you took my health, my baby, my reputation, my innocence and my love and launched it into hell. You could not man up and tell me your feelings had changed or that you wanted a life without me. You re-wrote history, re-narrated the present, and led a double-standard life, holding me to the fire.
You expected me to be an angel.
But angels don’t live in hell.

I hope you are happy in that solitude of yours, where no one means anything to you and where you don’t need anyone. You can bring someone else down to roast in the flames, but no one can last as long as you because hell is only your home.

3 Comments

  1. Don 3 years ago

    I don’t know that it’s of any interest of you, but I found it kind of funny you mentioned October 13th.
    I have this ‘tick’ about seeing 1013 everywhere. Time on the clock, the total or change back from a purchase, radio stations, etc.
    Someone told me about these things called “angel numbers”, and, if I’m remembering correctly, 1013 more or less translates to “change”. So I guess one way you could look at it is that was your invitation to change.
    Just a random thought on the subject.

  2. S/S 3 years ago

    Don, I just learned about 11:11 on Friday. Then you post this comment. Cool. I am still thinking about what to say to your last post on the other thread.

    To the original letter writer, you might find some comfort in YouTube videos by Jeff Foster, Tara Brach, Noah Elkrief, Teal Swan, Rupert Spira, The Work of Byron Katie, or many other non-dual teachers. TedTalks also take my mind off the grief. If you’re dealing with addiction of any kind there is a YouTube channel called WeDoRecover that has really good speakers who share how they made their way out of the darkness.

    I found all of the above more helpful than any of the content about narcissistic abuse and codependency, but you might find some help down that road too. Google is our friend. And of course we have Reddit.

    Pay attention to you breath; breathe in and out as slowly, evenly, and deeply as you can – as often as you can.

    Infinitely and Eternally,
    S/S

  3. Malika 3 years ago

    Don, I appreciate your comment. The end of this relationship, tho in a combustible manner, was definitely a change and as many others have pointed out, a blessing in disguise. It’s true that when you’re in love, you’re blind. So, thank you and and your “tick”.

    S/s, I was the one in love with a person with an addiction among many other demons. When I removed myself from the toxicity, I bounced back. No matter how much you give, there’s no helping a person who refuses to help themself.
    Thank you for the note, wishing you well.

    -The Original Author

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