Dearest xxxxx,

I hope this message finds you well. I’m writing not to beg or change your heart. I’m writing because amongst everything I’ve finally taken the time to truly reflect on everything that I have done which has hurt you. When you said your reasons for breaking up, you said things that devastated me and I want to tell you how sorry I am.

I have been a complete idiot about things. You would frequently tell me that you spent so much of your time upset and I barely listened, instead I had convinced myself the things that made you upset were the fault of my depression. You told me I was using my illness as an excuse, asked if I even wanted to get better, and I took offence. What I should have done is taken it as a sign that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I wasn’t. A lot of the time I didn’t try at all. I became comfortable in my misery and at times complacent, congratulating myself on small efforts as though they were enough. They weren’t. All the while I was dragging you down with me when I should have been lifting you up.

I’m sorry for not sharing the load and helping you as much as you would try to help me. I might have done in the beginning but that did not justify my giving up and becoming lazy just because things were hard for me sometimes. Things were hard for you every day and most of the time I barely lifted a finger. You were in physical pain, pushing yourself harder than you should have had to, and I just sat and dumbly watched or had the nerve to ask you for things when you’d already worn yourself thin. You told me this, and I became defensive and made excuses when I should have gotten up and pushed myself like you were.

It wasn’t just the practical things that I didn’t help you with, you didn’t feel like you could come to me. At first that confused me until it became blindingly obvious why you felt that way. My actions made it so that much of the time I was emotionally unavailable to you. My mood swings made me temperamental and unapproachable and I did nothing to rectify that. I am sorry that you had to struggle in silence so often because I made no serious attempts to get out of my own head. I should have been there for you always not just sometimes.
I’m sorry I did not go out with you more often. It might have made me uncomfortable at first but if I’d been dedicated to my medication and therapy back when I first started to withdraw, then I could have done so much more with you. Instead I allowed myself to believe you were just as happy going out with friends when really you wanted to be with me. You told me this too and again, I made excuses. There are so many things that I would love to do with you now but the chance has been and gone.

I’m sorry for so often refusing to get intimate with you. I didn’t take care of my physical health and while I will have to suffer that for a long time to come, you suffered too. You suffered because of my shame and discomfort over something I made little to no effort to change. The medication didn’t help but my refusal to even try helped least of all. I should have believed you when you said I was still beautiful because eventually it did start to bother you, something that was down to me and my actions too.

I am especially sorry for when we fought. We fought and I would say things that I would immediately regret. I would eventually apologise and yet I would do it all again rendering my apologies meaningless. I would use my mental health as an excuse, or I would justify my actions to myself in times I felt hurt or wronged by you. I shouldn’t have done that. Whether I felt wronged or not, it did not give me licence to speak to you in ways that were nasty and chipped away at your self-esteem. I know my apologising won’t necessarily undo that damage and it makes me sick to know I hurt you like that and so often. You deserved my respect and I did not give you any in those moments or any of the others in which you suffered because of me.

What I should have done is spent more time saying the things that I always knew to be true yet never effectively put across to you. That you are strong and capable despite your struggles, of which I became one. That your care and kindness makes you beautiful, that your intelligence and academic prowess is fierce and going to take you far. There are those with more who will achieve far less in life than you will. That your dorkiness can make me smile and the fact that you can show no fear in being yourself is admirable. When asked why I loved you, this is what I should have said. Instead I became inexplicably stuck and said that I didn’t know or worse, that I wasn’t sure if I did. Even if it weren’t possible for me to speak these words then I should have written them like I have now because now it’s too late and I’ve lost you. I’ve lost someone who would love me in moments when I could not love them, kissed me when I thought I was unlovable, held me when I cried, and with whom I should have thought harder about how nice it would have been to spend the rest of my life and even raise a family one day, if only I had stopped with the excuses and put in the effort. This regret will be mine to live with for a long time.

No one changes in a night, or over a couple of weeks. Our situation means we must see each other again soon and when we do I will still be the same person I always have been, the only difference being I am trying now. I want be better and become the best person I can be. I am the only person who can do this, I want it for myself and I need it if I’m going to get anywhere in life. I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner. So as well as being sorry for all of my mistakes and selfishness, I also want you to know that I will be respecting your decision. While I of course wish that my efforts could go towards winning your love, I know my choices have most likely pushed you away forever. Instead I will work as hard as I can to make our situation the best it can be for both of us.

Sincerely and with all my care,

xxxxxx